#Senior Moment

I realize that I have not blogged in probably about one thousand years.

I've been pretty busy though!

Doing things like getting engaged and having babies and stuff.

Crazy, I know.

Anyway - I do not have a lot of time to think these days, let alone get things down in writing.

However, I did realize the other day that I will soon be made fun of the way I made (and make) fun of my parents....for being old.

There will be things that my children will never experience, good and bad.

So, because I love lists so much, here are:

22 things that happened in my lifetime that will make my children think I am old (and things they will never know)

1. I was around when Facebook was "cool".

2. I was also around when texting was "cool" (I really don't think it will be around for when they get cell phones. Or chips in their brains. Or whatever is coming next.)

3. I have felt the satisfaction of slamming shut my flip phone after an argument.

4. I have owned big sunglasses.

5. I have tried to wind up a camera really fast to take another picture.

6. I can use a card catalogue.

7. I have burned serious calories trying to roll my window down really fast.

8. My VCR has ruined some of my favourite movies.

9. I have used a phonebook for it's intended purpose.

10. I have waited until I finished an entire roll of film to get my photos developed....only to realize that the one picture I thought would be great is actually half great and half my thumb. Or all my thumb.

11. I have worn a disturbing amount of stick on earrings.

12. I know why we say we are "taping" something when we are recording it.

13. I have felt cool because my phone had 3 way calling. And I have used it.

14. I can read a map. And know what a map is without a female voice telling me which direction to go.

15. My favourite teacher was Bill Nye the Science Guy.

16. I have saved files on a floppy disk.

17. I collected Beanie Babies. They had tag protectors on them.

18. I have witnessed the rise and fall of frosted tips.

19. I have gone all the way to the video store only to find someone had rented the movie I wanted to watch before I got there.

20. Having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card!

21. The only dances I know by heart are the YMCA and the Macarena.

22. The Canada Food Guide used to tell me to eat like 57 servings of bread, not veggies, a day.

#The personification of the human body

I have a big personality. Way too big to fit into one little person.

That's why I like to think that my body has a mind and personality of it's own.

Or I guess...that my body parts have a mind and personality. Complete with thoughts and feelings.

[I know, just when everyone thought they had my crazy figured out.]

Anyway, I thought I would give everyone a peek into how my body feels about life in everyday situations that I put it through. Because I have nothing better to write about.

My Feet:

In shoes - "Fine, just put me in foot jail. It's not like I had plans today or anything."

In heels - "DEAR LORD! I'M SORRY!! I CONFESS!! WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO GET OUT OF THESE TORTURE DEVICES?!?!"

Barefoot - "I'm cold."

In socks - "I'm hot."

In flip flops - "I knew you loved me. I knew it deep down in my metatarsals" 

My Hands:

In gloves - "These feel yucky"

In mittens - "I'M A CRAB!!"

With nail polish on - "I am classy."

With a ring on - "I am beautiful."

With a ring on after eating a lot of salty popcorn - "I'M SUFFOCATING!"

With nothing - "I'm naked"

My hair:

When I stay home - "I am the most beautiful, voluptuous, magical creature you have ever seen!"

When I have to go out - "I hate you and this is me rebelling against you because I just hate you so much."

When I'm going to work - "Let me guess. Ponytail again. How original, nurse riah."

When I'm going on a date/to a fancy place/a party/any type of social gathering - "Today I decided to play a game called 'pretend to be an electrocuted raccoon'....and I won!!"

My legs:

While running - "I am jiggly."

While squatting - "I want to go back to running :("

After squatting - "Geesh, could I be any foxier?!"

In jeans - "I can't breathe"

In leggings - "I can breathe AND I look fabulous!"

In compression stockings - "I LIED!!! I WONT MIND VARICOSE VEINS!!!"

In sweats - "This is what heaven is. I know it."

In shorts - "I am chafing somewhere around my upper thigh region.."

In a dress - "I'm naked"

My arms:

In a t-shit - "HA! I'm exposed and there is nothing you can do about it!"

In a tank top - "No. This is TOO exposed."

In a cardigan - "I am comfortable in here hiding from people."

When I dance - "WHY AM I SO FAR FROM THE GROUND?! PUT ME BACK DOWN!!"

My Boobs

When in a bra - "I hate my life"

When in a sports bra - Nothing. They dont have thoughts or feelings because they don't exist when I put them in a sports bra.

When I'm not wearing ANY bra - "And I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeee! Free faaaaaalling!"

My Tummy:

When doing sit-ups - "No."

When planking - "No."

When eating salad - "No."

When eating french fries - "Never stop."

When wearing a t shirt - "Work out, fatty"

When wearing a dress - "Work out, fatty"

When wearing a bathing suit - "Work out AND go on a diet, fatty."

When wearing a baggy sweater - "CAKE TIME!!"

PS: what I take from the above quote is Zac Efron thinks I'm the most beautiful because I have so much personality. Sorry ladies.

#OCD - Obsessed with Christmas Disorder

I was called out a few days ago for not writing on my blog very much anymore [Thanks Uncle Ray]. But to be quite honest I haven't been inspired to write about anything interesting lately. So I've decided to do what I always do when I have nothing to say. I'll make a list!

I know. I'm so original and exciting. Blah blah. It's happening whether you want it or not. Here's today's list - partially inspired by the fact that I will be turning 22 [also known as over the freeking hill] in less than 2 weeks.

Rye's top 21 ways to stay [appear] 21 forever

1. Just tell people you're 21 whenever they ask you how old you are.

2. Burn your driver's license.

3. Wear a wardrobe exclusively from Forever 21.

4. Botox.

5. Buy a boa constrictor - pets keep you young.

6. Nap often.

7. Act like you know everything.

8. Believe in Santa Claus.

9. Cry for your mommy. Often.

10. Moisturize.

11. Celebrate your birthday in Vegas.

12. Wrap everything in bacon.

13. Dress as a penguin every other Tuesday.

14. Watch all of the shows on Disney Channel.

15. Ride a unicorn. Everywhere.

16. Go to clubs.

17. Be emotionally unavailable.

18. Post everything you do on the internet because the world can't live without knowing what is happening in your life every 20 minutes.

19. Get a symbolic tattoo representing how you are independent and know everything.

20. Carry a latte with you everywhere.

21. Paint your nails. Post pictures of your painted nails holding the nail polish bottle. With a filter.

There you go. Fool proof.

*note: there is absolutely no science behind any of these things that I just wrote. They are strictly opinions of myself. 

#Fears vs. Dreams Part 2: DREAM

Dream [4. noun - A cherished hope, ambition, aspiration]

Dream - To inspire the hurting

So yesterday....was pretty depressing hey?

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I'm depressing. Less now than before! But if I kept all my depressing inside all the time I would turn into an angsty teenager again. And nobody wants that. Just ask my mother.

Also - for those of you who don't know the back story of fears vs. dreams here is a very brief description.

But today will be more uplifting hopefully. Yesterday was my biggest fear. Today is my greatest dream.

How do you define your biggest dream? Is it career related? Is it personal? Is it to have a cookie cutter house with a white picket fence and a dog and a minivan filled with little sticky hands? Or is it to see everything God put on this earth? Is it your dream to open a bakery? World peace? Master a cartwheel? How can you pick out of all of your ambitions and choose ONE thing that is most important to you in this life?

My dream is simple. And yet complex.

Because I am nerdy, let's define inspire before we delve into my dream.

Inspire [1. verb - to fill with animating, quickening, or exalting influence]

Remember how I told you before that I'm super conceited? I think that probably has a role in this dream.

You have to be mighty cocky to think that your life can inspire others.

I told you yesterday that I don't think I'm perfect. In any way. I actually am aware of how far from it I am.

For instance, if I was perfect I would probably spend my whole life doing productive things like studying for my registration exam and not writing blog posts and eating entire bags of peanut butter m&ms.

I would also probably drink only water instead of sparkling grapefruit, and lattes and would give thanks every day for the things I have that not everyone else does. Like blankets and brooms and  balls.....eyeballs.

As I'm sure almost everyone knows, my Daddy passed away a little over 2 years ago. And my journey to this point in my life since then has been a struggle, to say the least.

But I've made it. Through some pretty dark days, and darker thoughts I've made it.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to work with people who are in the exact same situation I was in just over 2 years ago. I get to take on a role in their story.

I also am blessed every day that someone divulges their life experiences to me.

Pain is pain. Everyone has experienced it in some form.

My dream is to be a beacon of hope to those people experiencing pain right now.

They don't necessarily have to know the intimate details of my story. They don't even really need to know that I have experienced the pain that I have.

But I want to be such an example of joy that people can't help but know there are better days to come. That the pain and fear and anxiety are temporary. And there is so much happiness to look forward to in the future.

And I know lots of you won't like hearing this - but my joy comes from my God. And my joy is a reflection of how beautiful Our relationship is.

That's my greatest dream. To inspire hope for a better day to those who are struggling today.

#Fears vs. Dreams Part 1: FEAR

Fear [1. noun - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined] 

Fear - not being good enough

"What does that even mean Rye? Not being good enough for what? Not being good enough AT what? Not being good enough for who? That just doesn't make sense. You can't just say that. It's too general and vague and mystical. It's not a real fear. Try again."

Um. Who are you even? It is a real fear.

Dummy.

[PS - it was me. I was the one who wrote that. I'm a dummy. Because I talked to myself in third person. It's sad having no friends. I'm lonely.]

Here's how it goes. 

I typically live my life like an open book. If I have nothing to hide then I won't be upset when people find things out about me. 

Does it mean I don't make mistakes? No. Does it mean I always make good choices? Ha! But for the most part I try to be honest about what goes on in my life, the mistakes and choices I've made, the good the bad and the ugly.

With some discretion. I mean, there are definitely people that I would never indulge my deep dark secrets to, and there are definitely some aspects of myself that I keep holed up for only a few to know. 

But honestly, I like being figuratively [mostly] naked. Because it's freeing and liberating. Much like being literally [mostly] naked. Maybe. I think.

There are a couple drawbacks to people knowing things about your life. The first being that they automatically assume because they know that you've experienced something, they think they know everything about you and your brain and your feelings and your entire life. And to those people I say "Sorry Ms. Jackson. [I am for reeeeeeal] If you haven't walked in my shoes you don't really know much."

But another BIGGER scarier drawback is people have the power to not like you, or to assess you and conclude that you are not good enough to be there. They can genuinely look at you and tell you that you fall short in some aspect of your life because of the things you do, or like, or say.

For instance, if someone were to say something like "Psssssh, you know that girl Rye? She eats so much oatmeal and walks around saying douche baggy things like 'killin it'. What a loser, right?" my brain would go "HA! They don't know anything. They might even like the real me possibly because the things that they used to describe me weren't me at all!"

BUT if someone were to say something like "Hey, you know that girl Rye? I hear she dances around in her kitchen and sings Celine Dion power ballads when nobody is home. And she likes it. What a freak!" my brain would go "Geesh. You don't have to be so mean. What a girl does in the privacy of her own home with nobody around has nothing to do with you. I'm defensive. Also - sad face."

If someone doesn't like me for who I really am, there's no coming back from it. That's who I am. I can't change it. Nor would I.

There's a difference, too, in someone not liking you and someone not believing that you're good enough.

And there is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to have someone give me that look of disappointment. The one that just screams "What are you even doing here? You don't belong in this group of elites."

And it makes me question my own worth every time.

There are so many voices in my life. Some that are supportive. Some that are discouraging. Some that are neutral. There is always going to be someone who will think I'm not good enough. That's just a fact I have to live with. I can't please everyone with my teeny tiny life.

And I guess my fear isn't just that I'm afraid of not being good enough. But that other people's perceptions of my lack of quality will start to distort my own perception of myself.

My fear is believing that I'm not good enough.