#Fears vs. Dreams Part 1: FEAR

Fear [1. noun - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined] 

Fear - not being good enough

"What does that even mean Rye? Not being good enough for what? Not being good enough AT what? Not being good enough for who? That just doesn't make sense. You can't just say that. It's too general and vague and mystical. It's not a real fear. Try again."

Um. Who are you even? It is a real fear.

Dummy.

[PS - it was me. I was the one who wrote that. I'm a dummy. Because I talked to myself in third person. It's sad having no friends. I'm lonely.]

Here's how it goes. 

I typically live my life like an open book. If I have nothing to hide then I won't be upset when people find things out about me. 

Does it mean I don't make mistakes? No. Does it mean I always make good choices? Ha! But for the most part I try to be honest about what goes on in my life, the mistakes and choices I've made, the good the bad and the ugly.

With some discretion. I mean, there are definitely people that I would never indulge my deep dark secrets to, and there are definitely some aspects of myself that I keep holed up for only a few to know. 

But honestly, I like being figuratively [mostly] naked. Because it's freeing and liberating. Much like being literally [mostly] naked. Maybe. I think.

There are a couple drawbacks to people knowing things about your life. The first being that they automatically assume because they know that you've experienced something, they think they know everything about you and your brain and your feelings and your entire life. And to those people I say "Sorry Ms. Jackson. [I am for reeeeeeal] If you haven't walked in my shoes you don't really know much."

But another BIGGER scarier drawback is people have the power to not like you, or to assess you and conclude that you are not good enough to be there. They can genuinely look at you and tell you that you fall short in some aspect of your life because of the things you do, or like, or say.

For instance, if someone were to say something like "Psssssh, you know that girl Rye? She eats so much oatmeal and walks around saying douche baggy things like 'killin it'. What a loser, right?" my brain would go "HA! They don't know anything. They might even like the real me possibly because the things that they used to describe me weren't me at all!"

BUT if someone were to say something like "Hey, you know that girl Rye? I hear she dances around in her kitchen and sings Celine Dion power ballads when nobody is home. And she likes it. What a freak!" my brain would go "Geesh. You don't have to be so mean. What a girl does in the privacy of her own home with nobody around has nothing to do with you. I'm defensive. Also - sad face."

If someone doesn't like me for who I really am, there's no coming back from it. That's who I am. I can't change it. Nor would I.

There's a difference, too, in someone not liking you and someone not believing that you're good enough.

And there is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to have someone give me that look of disappointment. The one that just screams "What are you even doing here? You don't belong in this group of elites."

And it makes me question my own worth every time.

There are so many voices in my life. Some that are supportive. Some that are discouraging. Some that are neutral. There is always going to be someone who will think I'm not good enough. That's just a fact I have to live with. I can't please everyone with my teeny tiny life.

And I guess my fear isn't just that I'm afraid of not being good enough. But that other people's perceptions of my lack of quality will start to distort my own perception of myself.

My fear is believing that I'm not good enough.

#Muddy Tracks

Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my love life on purpose.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm old and alone [except in the context of my church. Because at my church if you are in your twenties and not married you are lame and if you are in your twenties without a steady boyfriend you are a crazy cat lady who has borderline personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. Because that's the only reason you'd still be alone. Seriously.].

It's just that I tend to lean towards guys who don't fit my lifestyle. Because they're safe.

Boys who have no goals, or no ambition, or who drag my work ethic down, or who aren't Christian, or who tear my self esteem to shreds,  or who just want my body, or who I know for a fact won't ever do any better than me.

In the history of my dating life I've either gone for guys who treat me like crap, and try my very hardest to please them in every way; or guys who are safe. Guys that I could care for, but cared for me more. Guys who put me up on a pedestal I didn't deserve. Guys I would love, but not be in love with.

And now I'm stuck. Between what I know is right for me and what is safe.

There's a boy that I feel like is way out of my league, and I could never ever get, and a boy that I know likes me, and I like him, so I might as well just do it.

I read an article recently that said that you should date people equally as attractive as you are, but that girls should date guys whom they think are more attractive than they are and guys should date girls whom they think are less attractive than they are. [Because girls are the biggest bitches to themselves, and boys have over inflated egos. Typical.] And that if you end up in a relationship with someone of equal attractiveness, the relationship is more likely to work out [Because apparently beautiful people are only capable of loving other beautiful people. And themselves.]

It makes sense. Sometimes I look at my friends and I'm like "How did he score her, seriously?" or "Ew. She can do so much better." Rarely is it ever the other way around. [Because boys think they are some kind of sexy, and girls think they are fat. Or something.] And I know that I think that way about myself.

I literally crawled into my mom's bed yesterday and this is what I said:

"I just can't believe a guy like that would ask me out."

And she said:

"Why? I can."

Typical mom, right? Typical "You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you have so much to offer, you're my offspring so obviously you're perfectly perfect and nobody is really good enough for you because you're pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to mankind." type of deal. 

But what if this guy and I are equal on all [or most] playing fields and I'm just scared of being rejected?

Maybe I'll just get liposuction and a boob job and then I can get ANYONE!

Moral of the story - Boob jobs score you hotter guys.

#Once in a while

Sometimes you crawl into bed at 10:30PM and are super proud of everything you have accomplished during the day, and are excited for a good night's rest.

Sometimes you watch power rangers on netflix from 10:30 until 11:00 when you finally fall asleep.

Sometimes you accidentally wake up at 2:30 in the morning because you had a bad dream.

Sometimes when you wake up at 2:30 in the morning you get up to pee because you think maybe if you relieve your bladder you will be able to sleep.

Sometimes when you're up to pee at 2:30 in the morning you turn on the bathroom light because you would fall on your face if you didn't.

Sometimes you get back into bed after your 2:30 AM pee and regret every decision you made up until that point because now you are wide awake.

Sometimes after you are wide awake from your 2:30 AM pee you send messages to all the people who messaged you while you were sleeping.

Sometimes after you message people at 2:30 in the morning you get bored of waiting for a response so you start watching more power rangers on netflix.

Sometimes after 4 episodes of power rangers you realize you are literally watching the exact same story line over and over and decide to watch a movie.

Sometimes while browsing for movie you come across a different TV show called life unexpected and decide to try it out.

Sometimes after watching 3 episodes of life unexpected - which turned out to be a terrible show with lots of good looking people - your alarm goes off and angrily tells you it's time to get up for school.

Sometimes after getting up and getting ready for school you look out the window and see a fresh blanket of snow on the ground and think "Teehee! Winter's here!"

Sometimes after getting in your car to go to school you drive for half an hour just to make it 3 block from your house.

Sometimes you just have to say "Screw this day" turn around, go home, nap, drink tea, eat grilled cheese, and do some 'independent reading'.

Today just happened to be one of those days.

Jan 10:Day 10 - my day was just described up there. In my blog post. Right there! #soberjanuary #obivouslyobvious

#My Christmas Wish

I know this is a day late, but who blogs on Christmas?

This year my family and I have lost SO MUCH and this Christmas was extremely hard to get through.

But we got through it.

This year we were blessed by someone or someones doing the 12 Days of Christmas for our family. Nobody asked them to. We didn't expect anything like it, but it was there. On our doorstep. For 12 consecutive mornings. I want everyone to know it was greatly appreciated. And it warmed my heart all the way to the chilly little apex.

This year we didn't get a tree up until days before Christmas. The usual Christmas music blaring through the house was muted until the eve. And the lights never went up on the rooftop.

This year we struggled to get through what used to be the best time of the year. 

This year I learned who I can count on to be there through everything. Who pulls through during the hardest of times. And which friendships don't waver at the first sign of trouble.

This year I grew as a person, I grew into myself. I stopped defining myself by the people around me and discovered who I am. I continued my growth in my relationship with my God, and realized I am called to be a lover of people.

And so my Christmas wish this year is that everyone is safe. Everyone takes life one day at a time. Everyone takes a break from the commercialism of western society and takes the time to appreciate the gifts they are blessed with. I pray that everyone stays healthy. That we may all know forgiveness. And that this next year is filled with love, tenderness, humility, understanding, relationships, opportunities, happiness, growth, and faith. 

That is my Christmas wish for everyone. Merry Christmas one day late, and whoever you are, know that I love you.

#My Lucy Goosey

Dearest Lucy,


Thank you for your years of love, service, and dedication. I really loved you while we were together, and will miss you dearly now that we're apart. I know sometimes we got into little arguments but for the most part we were the best team.


I'm sorry I let sharks munch on you. And I'm sorry I spilled ice cream in you. I'm sorry one time I ran you dry and blew you up. You were always there for me, and I was never that good to you.


You have gotten me out of some sticky situations. You took me on many adventures. You warmed me up, and cooled me down, sometimes you yelled at me, but we got through the hard times together. 


You carried me away from my first real broken heart. And you escorted me back the many times I slipped up. You've aided me in going to work, parties, bars, friends houses, hospitals, school, and home. You were there for me, quietly waiting the night I needed you most. And you fled me through the darkness to the hardest hours of my life.


Most think I'm crazy for being this attached, but Lucy, you know how much we've been through together. We've had many heartfelt conversations. You probably know more about my life than anyone else. You've been my only constant in a sea of change.


I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, especially this morning. Nobody deserved it less than you did. I wish we were still together, but I suppose it was for the best. Also thanks for not knocking out my teeth and burning my face.


I'll love you always, Lucy Goosey. 


xo

#In the past 6 months

It's crazy to look back on the past six months of my life.

The things that have changed.

The things that have remained constant.

The decisions I've made.

The decisions still left to make.

The people who have entered my life.

The people who have left.

The people who have stayed.

The places I've been.

The things I've seen.

The insight into new situations.

The irrational emotional situations.

The fears.

The anxieties.

The laughs.

The cries.

The smiles.

The heart-to-hearts.

The quiet nights.

The rowdy ones.

The coping mechanisms.

The school work.

The new illnesses.

The love.

The adventures.

The discoveries.

If someone had told me that morning, six months ago, that I would be here today, I wouldn't have believed them.

Because at that time I felt like I had just lost the world. Like the constant winded feeling of being punched in the gut.

Today I stand stronger. And hopeful for a day when I can think of you and not cry. Not feel like my insides are all twisting up. A day when I can look to other people and help them go through what I've gone through.

So much has changed in the last six months.

But through everything. Through things that have changed or stayed the same, I have always known You would be there, and You would not change. And I am so thankful for that.

You are my ultimate constant. You are my ultimate comfort.

And I know You are taking good care of my Daddy until I can see him again.

Six months of the journey of my life without you has gone by. 

And I will always love you.

#Chunkers

Sooooooo funny story.

Yesterday I was bored at home and not wanting to do homework. So I decided to go to a movie!

My brother wasn't feeling well and everyone else was at work or school so I went by myself.

And I felt super liberated going to a movie by myself!

50/50. People kept telling me it's super good and funny and heartwarming. It was on early enough that I could go to work after. So I went.

So I handed my ticket to the 16 year old high school drop out who rips tickets and he looks at me and says "I'm going to need to see some ID miss." 

Um. Excuse me. This movie is 14A.

"It is 1 o clock on a Friday afternoon. I am here alone. How do you think I got here?" I said, super offendedly.


"You could have walked. Or stolen a car. ID please."

"Seriously. You're gonna make me put down all this yummers fattening food for me to pull out my ID when I am clearly older than 14."

"Yes."

So I struggled for 20 minutes trying to wrestle out my driver's license without spilling popcorn.

Then, when he got the satisfaction of a quarter second glance at a picture of me looking like a native man, he let me go see my movie.

Rude.

Anyway, so I was sitting in this theatre, waaaayyyy at the back, in a theatre alllllll alone and excited to watch some Seth Rogen. Then another couple walked in and sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! There is a whole theatre! Nobody else is here!! Seriously!!!

Whatever. I got over it. So I started watching this movie. In a dark room alone. Then I found out that stupid movie was about cancer. So I spent the next hour and a half crying like a baby. Like, sobbing. Seriously the people in front of me kept turning around and I wanted to punch them in the back of the heads because they should have sat somewhere else.

So, yeah. That was my movie going experience.

Now I'm going to go eat some peanut butter before the world runs out, and head on down to occupy Calgary. Hope to see you there!!

#A smile, a kiss, a sip of wine

Sometimes you get home at 1:30 in the morning and you can't help but blog because you're so smiley and happy and giggly.

And it's stupid because you spent the whole day crying.

Sometimes you get mad at God because it seems like He gives you hope, then snatches it away.

Sometimes it seems like it won't ever change. Or get better.

Sometimes you're put in situations where it seems He will work in your heart and instead He just breaks it.

Then, sometimes, something happens that blows your mind.

Sometimes you feel your complete sense of loss, but at the same time feel you're angel smiling down on you.

Sometimes God drags you into situations that you think are going to be stupid and annoying and pointless.

And He smacks you across the face for being so self-righteous.

He knows what you need. At all times.

And even if nothing comes from this, I needed it tonight.

Sometimes all it takes is a smile, a kiss, and a sip of wine to change your perspective.

And sometimes, something happens to make you realize that the change has to start with you.