#Senior Moment

I realize that I have not blogged in probably about one thousand years.

I've been pretty busy though!

Doing things like getting engaged and having babies and stuff.

Crazy, I know.

Anyway - I do not have a lot of time to think these days, let alone get things down in writing.

However, I did realize the other day that I will soon be made fun of the way I made (and make) fun of my parents....for being old.

There will be things that my children will never experience, good and bad.

So, because I love lists so much, here are:

22 things that happened in my lifetime that will make my children think I am old (and things they will never know)

1. I was around when Facebook was "cool".

2. I was also around when texting was "cool" (I really don't think it will be around for when they get cell phones. Or chips in their brains. Or whatever is coming next.)

3. I have felt the satisfaction of slamming shut my flip phone after an argument.

4. I have owned big sunglasses.

5. I have tried to wind up a camera really fast to take another picture.

6. I can use a card catalogue.

7. I have burned serious calories trying to roll my window down really fast.

8. My VCR has ruined some of my favourite movies.

9. I have used a phonebook for it's intended purpose.

10. I have waited until I finished an entire roll of film to get my photos developed....only to realize that the one picture I thought would be great is actually half great and half my thumb. Or all my thumb.

11. I have worn a disturbing amount of stick on earrings.

12. I know why we say we are "taping" something when we are recording it.

13. I have felt cool because my phone had 3 way calling. And I have used it.

14. I can read a map. And know what a map is without a female voice telling me which direction to go.

15. My favourite teacher was Bill Nye the Science Guy.

16. I have saved files on a floppy disk.

17. I collected Beanie Babies. They had tag protectors on them.

18. I have witnessed the rise and fall of frosted tips.

19. I have gone all the way to the video store only to find someone had rented the movie I wanted to watch before I got there.

20. Having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card!

21. The only dances I know by heart are the YMCA and the Macarena.

22. The Canada Food Guide used to tell me to eat like 57 servings of bread, not veggies, a day.

#The personification of the human body

I have a big personality. Way too big to fit into one little person.

That's why I like to think that my body has a mind and personality of it's own.

Or I guess...that my body parts have a mind and personality. Complete with thoughts and feelings.

[I know, just when everyone thought they had my crazy figured out.]

Anyway, I thought I would give everyone a peek into how my body feels about life in everyday situations that I put it through. Because I have nothing better to write about.

My Feet:

In shoes - "Fine, just put me in foot jail. It's not like I had plans today or anything."

In heels - "DEAR LORD! I'M SORRY!! I CONFESS!! WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO GET OUT OF THESE TORTURE DEVICES?!?!"

Barefoot - "I'm cold."

In socks - "I'm hot."

In flip flops - "I knew you loved me. I knew it deep down in my metatarsals" 

My Hands:

In gloves - "These feel yucky"

In mittens - "I'M A CRAB!!"

With nail polish on - "I am classy."

With a ring on - "I am beautiful."

With a ring on after eating a lot of salty popcorn - "I'M SUFFOCATING!"

With nothing - "I'm naked"

My hair:

When I stay home - "I am the most beautiful, voluptuous, magical creature you have ever seen!"

When I have to go out - "I hate you and this is me rebelling against you because I just hate you so much."

When I'm going to work - "Let me guess. Ponytail again. How original, nurse riah."

When I'm going on a date/to a fancy place/a party/any type of social gathering - "Today I decided to play a game called 'pretend to be an electrocuted raccoon'....and I won!!"

My legs:

While running - "I am jiggly."

While squatting - "I want to go back to running :("

After squatting - "Geesh, could I be any foxier?!"

In jeans - "I can't breathe"

In leggings - "I can breathe AND I look fabulous!"

In compression stockings - "I LIED!!! I WONT MIND VARICOSE VEINS!!!"

In sweats - "This is what heaven is. I know it."

In shorts - "I am chafing somewhere around my upper thigh region.."

In a dress - "I'm naked"

My arms:

In a t-shit - "HA! I'm exposed and there is nothing you can do about it!"

In a tank top - "No. This is TOO exposed."

In a cardigan - "I am comfortable in here hiding from people."

When I dance - "WHY AM I SO FAR FROM THE GROUND?! PUT ME BACK DOWN!!"

My Boobs

When in a bra - "I hate my life"

When in a sports bra - Nothing. They dont have thoughts or feelings because they don't exist when I put them in a sports bra.

When I'm not wearing ANY bra - "And I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeee! Free faaaaaalling!"

My Tummy:

When doing sit-ups - "No."

When planking - "No."

When eating salad - "No."

When eating french fries - "Never stop."

When wearing a t shirt - "Work out, fatty"

When wearing a dress - "Work out, fatty"

When wearing a bathing suit - "Work out AND go on a diet, fatty."

When wearing a baggy sweater - "CAKE TIME!!"

PS: what I take from the above quote is Zac Efron thinks I'm the most beautiful because I have so much personality. Sorry ladies.

#OCD - Obsessed with Christmas Disorder

I was called out a few days ago for not writing on my blog very much anymore [Thanks Uncle Ray]. But to be quite honest I haven't been inspired to write about anything interesting lately. So I've decided to do what I always do when I have nothing to say. I'll make a list!

I know. I'm so original and exciting. Blah blah. It's happening whether you want it or not. Here's today's list - partially inspired by the fact that I will be turning 22 [also known as over the freeking hill] in less than 2 weeks.

Rye's top 21 ways to stay [appear] 21 forever

1. Just tell people you're 21 whenever they ask you how old you are.

2. Burn your driver's license.

3. Wear a wardrobe exclusively from Forever 21.

4. Botox.

5. Buy a boa constrictor - pets keep you young.

6. Nap often.

7. Act like you know everything.

8. Believe in Santa Claus.

9. Cry for your mommy. Often.

10. Moisturize.

11. Celebrate your birthday in Vegas.

12. Wrap everything in bacon.

13. Dress as a penguin every other Tuesday.

14. Watch all of the shows on Disney Channel.

15. Ride a unicorn. Everywhere.

16. Go to clubs.

17. Be emotionally unavailable.

18. Post everything you do on the internet because the world can't live without knowing what is happening in your life every 20 minutes.

19. Get a symbolic tattoo representing how you are independent and know everything.

20. Carry a latte with you everywhere.

21. Paint your nails. Post pictures of your painted nails holding the nail polish bottle. With a filter.

There you go. Fool proof.

*note: there is absolutely no science behind any of these things that I just wrote. They are strictly opinions of myself. 

#Fears vs. Dreams Part 2: DREAM

Dream [4. noun - A cherished hope, ambition, aspiration]

Dream - To inspire the hurting

So yesterday....was pretty depressing hey?

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I'm depressing. Less now than before! But if I kept all my depressing inside all the time I would turn into an angsty teenager again. And nobody wants that. Just ask my mother.

Also - for those of you who don't know the back story of fears vs. dreams here is a very brief description.

But today will be more uplifting hopefully. Yesterday was my biggest fear. Today is my greatest dream.

How do you define your biggest dream? Is it career related? Is it personal? Is it to have a cookie cutter house with a white picket fence and a dog and a minivan filled with little sticky hands? Or is it to see everything God put on this earth? Is it your dream to open a bakery? World peace? Master a cartwheel? How can you pick out of all of your ambitions and choose ONE thing that is most important to you in this life?

My dream is simple. And yet complex.

Because I am nerdy, let's define inspire before we delve into my dream.

Inspire [1. verb - to fill with animating, quickening, or exalting influence]

Remember how I told you before that I'm super conceited? I think that probably has a role in this dream.

You have to be mighty cocky to think that your life can inspire others.

I told you yesterday that I don't think I'm perfect. In any way. I actually am aware of how far from it I am.

For instance, if I was perfect I would probably spend my whole life doing productive things like studying for my registration exam and not writing blog posts and eating entire bags of peanut butter m&ms.

I would also probably drink only water instead of sparkling grapefruit, and lattes and would give thanks every day for the things I have that not everyone else does. Like blankets and brooms and  balls.....eyeballs.

As I'm sure almost everyone knows, my Daddy passed away a little over 2 years ago. And my journey to this point in my life since then has been a struggle, to say the least.

But I've made it. Through some pretty dark days, and darker thoughts I've made it.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to work with people who are in the exact same situation I was in just over 2 years ago. I get to take on a role in their story.

I also am blessed every day that someone divulges their life experiences to me.

Pain is pain. Everyone has experienced it in some form.

My dream is to be a beacon of hope to those people experiencing pain right now.

They don't necessarily have to know the intimate details of my story. They don't even really need to know that I have experienced the pain that I have.

But I want to be such an example of joy that people can't help but know there are better days to come. That the pain and fear and anxiety are temporary. And there is so much happiness to look forward to in the future.

And I know lots of you won't like hearing this - but my joy comes from my God. And my joy is a reflection of how beautiful Our relationship is.

That's my greatest dream. To inspire hope for a better day to those who are struggling today.

#Fears vs. Dreams Part 1: FEAR

Fear [1. noun - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined] 

Fear - not being good enough

"What does that even mean Rye? Not being good enough for what? Not being good enough AT what? Not being good enough for who? That just doesn't make sense. You can't just say that. It's too general and vague and mystical. It's not a real fear. Try again."

Um. Who are you even? It is a real fear.

Dummy.

[PS - it was me. I was the one who wrote that. I'm a dummy. Because I talked to myself in third person. It's sad having no friends. I'm lonely.]

Here's how it goes. 

I typically live my life like an open book. If I have nothing to hide then I won't be upset when people find things out about me. 

Does it mean I don't make mistakes? No. Does it mean I always make good choices? Ha! But for the most part I try to be honest about what goes on in my life, the mistakes and choices I've made, the good the bad and the ugly.

With some discretion. I mean, there are definitely people that I would never indulge my deep dark secrets to, and there are definitely some aspects of myself that I keep holed up for only a few to know. 

But honestly, I like being figuratively [mostly] naked. Because it's freeing and liberating. Much like being literally [mostly] naked. Maybe. I think.

There are a couple drawbacks to people knowing things about your life. The first being that they automatically assume because they know that you've experienced something, they think they know everything about you and your brain and your feelings and your entire life. And to those people I say "Sorry Ms. Jackson. [I am for reeeeeeal] If you haven't walked in my shoes you don't really know much."

But another BIGGER scarier drawback is people have the power to not like you, or to assess you and conclude that you are not good enough to be there. They can genuinely look at you and tell you that you fall short in some aspect of your life because of the things you do, or like, or say.

For instance, if someone were to say something like "Psssssh, you know that girl Rye? She eats so much oatmeal and walks around saying douche baggy things like 'killin it'. What a loser, right?" my brain would go "HA! They don't know anything. They might even like the real me possibly because the things that they used to describe me weren't me at all!"

BUT if someone were to say something like "Hey, you know that girl Rye? I hear she dances around in her kitchen and sings Celine Dion power ballads when nobody is home. And she likes it. What a freak!" my brain would go "Geesh. You don't have to be so mean. What a girl does in the privacy of her own home with nobody around has nothing to do with you. I'm defensive. Also - sad face."

If someone doesn't like me for who I really am, there's no coming back from it. That's who I am. I can't change it. Nor would I.

There's a difference, too, in someone not liking you and someone not believing that you're good enough.

And there is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to have someone give me that look of disappointment. The one that just screams "What are you even doing here? You don't belong in this group of elites."

And it makes me question my own worth every time.

There are so many voices in my life. Some that are supportive. Some that are discouraging. Some that are neutral. There is always going to be someone who will think I'm not good enough. That's just a fact I have to live with. I can't please everyone with my teeny tiny life.

And I guess my fear isn't just that I'm afraid of not being good enough. But that other people's perceptions of my lack of quality will start to distort my own perception of myself.

My fear is believing that I'm not good enough.

#A love story

Hey!

So I have this weird thing where I'm super conceited and think people like knowing things about me. Enough so that I write a blog. About my life. But then people validate my feelings by reading it. So theres that.

I'm going to tell you something so super cool that not a lot of people know about me.

May 14th is my anniversary.

The anniversary of the declaration of my love.

There's this Guy. He's really cool and stuff. The coolest actually. He's the love of my life. No, seriously. He's perfect. He always builds me up, and catches me when I fall. He steers me in the right direction, and holds my hand when I need it. He's so strong. He's carried my guilt and shame, my fears, anxieties, hurts, and worries. Most importantly He loves me. He loves me for all that I am. Even with all my flaws, and shortcomings, and mistakes. Even when I'm an asshole. He just says "Hey, it's ok. People mess up sometimes. I still love you. And I'll always forgive you as long as you love me back."

Awesome, right?! He's the best. Ever. The End. So I did what any sane person would do. 

I locked it down.

On a warm [I think it was actually rainy that day] spring evening, much like the one I will experience tonight, I stood up in front of my family and friends and hundreds of strangers and said "Hi everyone, my name is Mariah and I love this Super Cool Awesome Guy. I know you know Him. His name is Jesus. He's made a nice little home in my heart and I love that He lives there. He makes me a better person, and He makes me feel worth it, and also we have a pretty stellar relationship. And I'm gonna take a little dip in this water and make Jesus/Mariah Soup because I love Him so much. And I want everyone else to know how much I love Him. Also - here's a quote from the bible that I live my life by. The End."

Then I got dunked for Jesus.

Also there was crying and stuff.

AND because My Jesus loves me SO MUCH He gave me a Shelby to get dunked with me!

So we share an anniversary! It's also the annual celebration of the day she went from being a fetus to a neonate [that's actually the grossest thing I've ever said], so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHELBY!

And Shelby and I lived happily ever after with our forever friend, Jesus. [Even though baptism does not = salvation. We learned that in baptizing school.]

The End!!!!!!!!

[side note: I think that is the most times I have written "The End" in one post. Even though this post is kind of about new beginnings. I'm weird.]

#I stitched the words into my heart with a needle and thread

I don't write very often anymore. But that's mostly because nothing I have to say is very interesting.

No seriously, I don't even really like listening to myself talk.

But because I was a dummy and one of my extremities is out of order I have nothing to do but sit in my room and listen to myself talk.

And also knit socks.

Just kidding, I'm not skilled enough to knit socks....yet.

However! I have had time to ponder many of life's mysteries. Such as, but not limited to:

"I wonder if anyone has ever counted the bristles on a toothbrush."
"Who decided that Easter would be about chocolate?"
"Why can't I get motivated to finish my last assignment?"
"Who decided pink and red don't go together?"
"What do owls think of?"
"Why is mint chocolate chip ice cream so damn good?"
"Are ghosts real?"

See? Nothing worth sharing with people.

BUT I did have time to muster up a list of things to do if you ever find yourself in a disabled state (such as the one I am in now).

Let me share my knowledge with you!

1. Learn how to knit socks (have I already talked about this?)

2. Watch the last Harry Potter movie. Cry.

3. Eat your mom's cooking.

4. Finally learn how to tie your shoes! (Kidding..)

5. Braid your hair (male counterpart - braid your armpit hair)

6. Listen to the song "Call Me Maybe" and lie to the world when you say you hate it.

7. Choreograph a dance to "Call Me Maybe" in your head, and use it as a party trick to impress your friends.

8. Watch everything on Netflix.

9. Play with stickers.

10. Count to 1000. Twice.

11. Listen to your bowel sounds.

12. Practice singing Boyz II Men, then sing it to anyone you find attractive.

13. Ab workouts :(

14. Color a picture for your mom.

15. Drink an excessive amount of wine.

16. Cover yourself in brightly coloured bandaids.

17. Buy a cat. Cuddle it.

18. Tell your new cat you aren't lonely. No really, you aren't.

19. Stay updated on dictionary.com's "Word of the day".

20. Dream of how great your life would be if you were a mermaid.

21. Wash your hands.

22. Drink a lot of vanilla bean lattes.

23. Learn how to play the french horn.

24. Draw a moustache on your face. Tell people it's real.

25. Google yourself.

26. Sing every thought that comes to your head, and make your life a musical.

27. Sleep.

28. Continue living your double life as a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

I want you to know I worked hard on putting that list together instead of working on things I was supposed to be doing. So you're welcome.

#Every New Beginning

"You know why she sent her Dad? Because no matter how old you are and how big you get, your Daddy is invincible. You could ask him to do anything and just know in your heart he would do it, just because he's Dad."

You know what I love about books?

All books. Fiction, nonfiction, mysteries, romances, biographies, picture books, all books.

The story. I love the thrill of a story. I love turning the page and learning new things, and putting the pieces together to create an elaborate web of beauty to immerse yourself in for hours.

The way that all the big things and some of the little things always end up having meaning in that story. It is the story of someone. Or someones. And for the time that you are reading that book you take on the role of someone else. You live another life, completely separate from your own.

What if someone were to write a book about your life. What would they include?

Because, of my life so far, I know what I would include. Little and big.

The bits and pieces and chunks that will make up who I am.

A Mother who always loved me unconditionally, a Daddy who chose to take me in as his little girl, a Brother who has always been wiser than I, and two artistic, and caring Sisters. All of whom bring sunshine to my darkest days. And allow me to draw strength when I am weak. They would be at the centre of my story.

Our struggles and successes. Those would also be part of my story.

Standing by my Daddy and easing his pain in his final moments, surrounded by family and love. That would be a part of my story.

My God, my Faith, my Hope. He would be a big part of my story.

Friends that have come and gone. Friends who have stayed. Friends who love me for who I am, no matter what. They would be in my story.

Sunday school, and nursing, and adventures.

Some things that were fun, but also things that were scary. And ultimately things that changed me.

And now I face this. Four months of working with people who are passing from one life to the next in the very place my Daddy did the same.

And now I face this. I'm at a climax. Everything has been leading up to and preparing me for this. And with the help of my family, friends, and two Daddy's in heaven I will take this on and do whatever I am meant to do there. 

This is the beginning of a new adventure.

This is part of my story.

#Sometimes I think

about the decisions I make

the company I keep

the activities that occupy my days

and all that has happened since we last spoke.

And I can't help but wonder

Do you approve?

Do you think I'm right or wrong?

Is this enough?

Too much?

Should I change?

Or stay the same?

Would you say yes?

Would you advise me not to?

Would you be mad?

Would you be disappointed?

But the question that really burns in my heart..

Do I make you proud?

#I Thought Of You Today

I thought of you today. I think of you every day.

I think about you in the fall.

When the leaves change colours. When the air becomes crisp and nips at your lungs.

I think of the days you raked leaves into giant piles. And I would jump in.

I think of how proud you were of all of us. For every drawing, painting, or craft we made for you. And every good grade we brought home from school.

I think about you in the winter.

When the snow blankets the ground and the wind turns your blood into icicles.

I think of sitting in the kitchen with our coffee. Laughing about silly things like "whore" frost. Talking about the house you would build me.

I think of building giant snowmen and coming inside soaked to the bone. And hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I think of Christmas morning with blueberry muffins and hot beverages. With six of us exhausted but happy.

I think about you in the spring.

When the snow melts away, and the trees start budding. The air is perfumed with rain and flowers and life.

I think about the day we became one family. You married my mom and accepted me as a daughter.

I think about you cutting grass and flirting with mom through the window.

I think about the day you sat me down because you were worried about me being bullied. And all the confidence you gave me for so many years.

I think about you in the summer. 

When the days are long, and the sun shines down.

I think of you standing at the front of your boat. Floating on the Shuswap. In your own oasis.

I think of you laughing at me the morning after I threw up on a cowboy.

I thought of you today. I think of you every day.

I think about you when I make big decisions, and when I run into obstacles. I think of you when I accomplish something, and when I struggle through the every day challenges. I think of you in the morning when nobody else is awake or home. I think of you in the evening when I sit down to eat supper. I think of you at night when I hear noises outside of my window.

Sometimes the things I miss aren't the big things. It's not always that I need your guidance, or opinion. It's not that you're missing anything special. It's not that I need something built, or fixed, or opened. It's not that I need to be protected or saved.

Sometimes I just miss hearing you walk around the house (like an elephant). Or hearing you talk to the kids. I miss hearing you whistling. Or insisting on touching and playing with anything new and unknown. And your laugh. I really miss hearing you laugh.

I thought of you today. I think of you every day. 

But I know you think of me too.

And that makes tomorrow seem so much brighter.

#Runner's high

Earlier this year I was doing so well with working out and running.

Literally I would be going at least 3-4 times a week.

Then I got lazy. And I haven't been working out nearly as much as I should be.

Liiiiiike never.

But I need to start training for a 10k run in about six weeks. And so out come the running shoes (for my toesies), the watch (to pretend I've made a good time), the headbands (to look the part of an intense worker-outer) and the iPod (because working out with music is so much more pleasant).

And because I love being judged, and because nobody really reads this blog anyway, I'll write out my running playlist (one of them, the one I will be running to later today!)

18 songs
Total workout time - 68:47

Warm up!

Fuego - Pitbull ft. Don Omar (Dj Buddha remix)

Nothing quite gets you fired up and ready for a run like some rap...about fire. Also - I like Pitbull, so sue me! This song get's me pumped up with a quick stretch and walk-to-jog. Time to get down to business.

Run time!

Not Afraid - Eminem

Anger! Rawr! Eminem sets the pace for this run right off the bat. Use his angst, channel every one of your negative feelings and pound them out through your feet. Get it out! Punch the air as you're running if you have to! Use your run to let your frustration flow out of you! Drop your rocks!

Swing - Savage

Who doesn't love this 'Knocked Up' classic!? Remember when they played this like four times a night at the bar a few years ago? Do they still do that? Who knows! Back to your run! Get your inner running slut on and wiggle your hips to the beat of this song. Or don't. But if you don't then you should push yourself harder, and farther. Work for those swing-able hips!

Say My Name - Destiny's Child

Ok. Not going to lie. I love Destiny's Child. And I love this song. And I sing it when I go to karaoke. I actually sing it with two of my friends. And they are both guys! We are one rockin threesome! So I usually practice my harmonies in my head instead of thinking of how much my legs want to give out.

Game On - District 78

Meow! I love this song! When I hear this song I immediately think of Melanie and Sasha being super sexy on the 8th season of So You Think You Can Dance. And every time I think of that dance I think of how sexy I want to be. And this song has the perfect beat for being sexy to ;)

Lights Turned On - Childish Gambino

OMG. Anybody who knows me knows how much I LOVE Childish Gambino. Even when he's Donald Glover. I am going to marry this guy, I swear. Any way, considering someone just called me a "small chick with a fat ass" (or something along those lines. He might have called me a 'tiny girl' but he definitely told me I have a fat ass) it seems fitting that I have this song on my running playlist. Let's all work to be small chicks with....nice butts!

Makeshift Kingdom - Sweatshop Union

Ok, you've been killing it up until now, so I'll give you a bit of a break. Slow down a bit, jog or walk it out, but don't stop. This is a good song, because it has a bit of a slower beat, but starts building up that anger that Eminem was cultivating for us earlier!

You Need Me I Don't Need You - Ed Sheeran

Let's get your feet going again! Pick up the pace to a British ginger singing to you super fast. I know you love accents. And I love Ed Sheeran. More than someone who doesn't really listen to Brit pop probably should like him. Anyway, he has a genius line right at the end of this song about elevators. I'm going to make you listen to the entire song just to hear it. And you should be running while listening. Boom!

Sextasy - East Clubbers

This song makes me want to be sexy. All I picture when running to this song is how sexy I'm going to look all sweaty and fit (That's actually just what I look like in my head, because when I'm sweaty in real life I look like death. And a half.). Eyes on the prize, keep pushing through!

Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind

An oldie, but a goodie!  Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. No one will judge you if you start dancing a little bit to this one while running. Actually, people will probably judge you, but I won't! I completely understand! It's a dancey running song. Just keep running, it's your safest bet.

Pass That Dutch - Missy Elliot

"Symptoms have been said to be: heavy breathing, wild dancing, coughing. So when you hear the sound HOO DEE HOOOOOO! Run for cover, mother....." Oh ya. I think I have that unknown virus, it's attacking my run. Heavy breathing. wild..running. Coughing. Waiting for the HOO DEE HOOOOO! I don't even want to think about how young I was when this song came out. I was also really fat when this song came out. But I'm not super fat anymore! And this song actually has a great beat to run to. So that's why it's here.

Ghost - Fefe Dobson

Oh Fefe! I can't believe he was cheating on you! What a d-bag! It's a good thing you sing this upbeat song about it! Run through the pain, girl!

Harder To Breathe - Maroon 5

Slow down again! Not all the way, but enough. Let's take it from a 7 or 8 to a 4 or 5. Take a minute to catch your breath, because soon it's going to be harder to breathe ;). Now is the time for some good positive self talk! You're almost there, you can do it! 

Sunrise - Childish Gamino

Double up! Love Childish Gambino, obviously he was going to be on this playlist again. This is my favourite out of all of his songs to run to, hence why it comes right after the break. He makes me want to be better. Even though he's really aggressive and angry in this song. Love him.

Lovestoned (Tiesto Remix) - Justin Timberlake

Normally I'm not a huge fan of Tiesto. Or Justin Timberlake. But for some reason I really enjoy this song. Those flashing lights make me wanna run. I wanna make someone love stoned with my rockin body. From running. Keep running. Running.

Survivor - Destiny's Child

Second last song! You're a survivor. Second double on the list. But honestly, who doesn't love these eccentric ladies?! They can pump you up for just about anything! They survived a break up with some asshole, you can survive the last bit of this run!

Something Happened On The Way To Heaven - Phil Collins

PHIL! PHIL COLLINS! This is it. You are in the home stretch. You can run, and you can hide. But Phil won't leave unless you go with him! This is my all time favourite Phil song. And this is the last song that you run to! Sprint it out, this is when you kill it.

Cool down!

What's Luv? - Fat Joe ft. Ashanti

Yay! You've done it! The last song on my running playlist is always my favourite. Well...this song isn't actually my favourite, I do like it though, and I knew he was a lonely guy who wanted to be on my playlist so I told him he could be my cool down. Because, really, what's love got to do with it?

Song suggestions?! I'd love to hear them!

Much love xo

#Annoying Annual Post

Three and a half years ago our family was a complete functioning unit. By no means were we "picture perfect" - we bickered, we yelled, we rolled our eyes. But at the end of the day we loved each other more than anything and we supported every decision we made. We had parents who loved each other more than anything, and siblings who were closer than best friends.

On April 19 2010 our entire lives were turned upside down, our loving father and husband Terry was diagnosed with a rare form of sinus cancer. He fought hard and courageously, undergoing life changing surgeries, intense chemotherapy, and agonizing radiation, all the while staying positive and counting all the blessings God had given him. 



On May 7 2011, we said our final goodbye to Terry. Today, we stand strong as a family of five, using our brokenness to bring us closer together. Not a day passes by where we don't wish we still had a loving Husband and Daddy, but not a moment passes where we aren't thankful for every moment we had with him. 



We have felt the cold, cruel touch of cancer, and we wish this pain upon no person or family. So in Terry's memory, the five of us, along with close family and friends, will raise money and run or walk to find a cure for cancer. Please support us in our endeavour to kick cancer's ass!

Click me!! Click me to donate!!

#Roaming Through The Night To Find My Place In This World

Some days I feel just as broken as the day I sat beside you in that hospital room, coaxing you to let go.

Just as hurt.

And lost.

And alone.

And helpless.

Some days I feel like I have nothing to offer.

Like I can't help people.

Like I've lost my meaning.

And I know it's just some days. And that it will pass.

But today is one of those days.

Today I'm broken.

And alone.

And hurt.

And breathless.

And apparently really depressing.

But tomorrow is a new day. With new hope. And new feelings.

It needs to be tomorrow. Right now.

#My president is black, and my Prius is blue.

I just want everyone to know that -

Most healthcare providers top priorities while you are sick in the hospital are:

a) find out why you are there
b) fix the reason you are there
c) get you out of there

And my top priority while you are sick in the hospital is:

a) make your unit one giant blanket fort

Oops.

I may need to grow up a little bit.

#Bubble Wrap

Everyone knows how much I fucking hate cancer. Well there's something I hate almost as much. And that's dim wit's telling me that everything in the world could possibly cause it. Here's to you, assholes!

Dear everyonelecturingmeaboutwhatcausescancer,

Kindly shut up.

I know what causes cancer. My dad actually died from cancer. It wasn't caused by genetics, it was acquired. The doctors don't know WHAT caused it, but unfortunately it happened. Don't tell me that I shouldn't be drinking my favourite tea because it's possibly carcinogenic.

Here's a list of everyday things that cause cancer:

- Sunshine
- Red meat
- Cell phones
- Alcohol
- Exercise
- Diet soda's
- Birth control
- Deodorant
- Olive oil
- Peanuts
- Sex
- Tea
- Hair dye
- Microwaves
- Breathing
- Sunscreen
- Water bottles
- Coffee
- Margarine
- Saran wrap
- Obesity

That's just to name a few.

Here's a list of everything that is 100% proven to prevent cancer.

-

Ya. I know.

Sunshine causes cancer, but also provides you with natural vitamin D which prevents cancer. Exercise produces free radicals in your body which cause cancer, but it staves off obesity which also causes cancer. Alcohol causes cancer but red wine has antioxidants that help prevent cancer. Blueberries prevent cancer, but diet's high in fruits can be dangerous to your health in other ways.

There's nothing wrong with trying to prevent getting cancer, but at the end of the day you still have to live your life. Don't stop drinking beer, having sex, and working out because taking part in those activities could possibly cause cancer.

You want to know what you should do instead of worrying about every little thing that could be carcinogenic?

Eat vegetables. Take vitamins. Exercise. Drink water. Relax. Brush your teeth. Live a life that's happy and healthy.

And the next time you feel like you need to share with me that my lipstick causes cancer, so I should colour them with berries instead....shut the fuck up. I wasn't asking.

#A giant order of depressing, with a side of hope.

One year ago today I stood crammed into a little room, right beside the strongest man in my life, surrounded by people and love, and eased him from secular life to forever.

I sat beside my Daddy in his last hours of life, cried into his blankets, held his hand one last time, and whispered my last "I love you's", "Thank you's", and "Goodbye's".

I spent the better part of today feeling sorry for myself. Crying because life isn't fair, and I miss having a Daddy.

And then I got this text from a very very special friend:

"Hey little ryry, sorry I've had a busy day. I just want you to know how much I care for and appreciate you. In the short time I've known you, you've taught me so much about myself, perseverance, and putting someone else before yourself. Your dad was an amazing, caring man. He had to have been to raise you. And today he is smiling down on you and your family, proud of how far you've all come, and excited for all your days to come. I adore you, you have been such a blessing to me, and I'll continue to pray for you guys. Call if you need me."

And as sweet as it was to get that message it really got me thinking.

One year ago I lost someone very dear to me. The pain of losing him hasn't gone away, but it's gotten easier to live my day to day life. The loss isn't as suffocating as it once was, but instead is a dull throb that beats with my heart.

This is not to say that I don't miss my Daddy. Because I do. With all my heart. And if this was a perfect world he would still be here with me and my family.

But looking back on my relationship with him I can't help but feel so so blessed that I had him in my life, even for a short while. I can live my life knowing my Daddy was proud of everything that I accomplished, that he always thought I was beautiful, and that he will always love me.

So, no. Today I do not have a Daddy to come home to. I do not have a Daddy to curl up on the couch and watch hockey with. I do not have a Daddy to have a morning coffee with. I do not have a Daddy who tries to steer me clear of bad situations, who gets upset with me, who laughs at me, and who tells me he loves me.

But today I do have a strong, caring, brother. Two sweet, beautiful, sisters. The most amazing mother, and best friend. Countless family and friends who provide endless support. A God who loves me. And my own Daddy-angel. One who protects me and my heart. One who always put our family first. One who is saving us all a seat on his giant fishing boat in heaven.

So I guess there's nothing to complain about. I guess I'm pretty blessed. 

#Papers and things.

Professor - "This is not the kind of term paper you can write the night before."

Rye - "Challenge accepted."

#Results

I have weird God moments.

I was in a grumpy, pouty, unmotivatey mood this morning.

I was supposed to go to the gym. But I didn't really want to.

Because who goes to the gym on a Saturday morning?! I personally would like to be watching cartoons.

Anyway, in my grumpy, pouty, unmotivatey mood I went to talk to my mom. 

And she made me smiley, and laughy, and motivatey. 

Even though I mostly just complained about how I could work out for a bajillion hours and still look the same, and weigh the same, and be the same. 

BUT! Being a nurse I decided to take the healthy route and workout.

On my way to the gym I started to get frustrated again, and ended up just sitting outside the doors for 10 minutes because I really REALLY didn't feel like working out. People in gyms are so judgey.

And for some strange reason every time I've worked out at this gym there is a super in shape old man who likes to compare himself to me.

And I lose.

By a lot.

And it wouldn't matter if I did or didn't workout. Nothing would change.

I mustered up enough motivation to get out of my car. But I was back to my grumpy pouty unmotivated mood.

I smiled at the sweet receptionist lady at the entrance and gave her my keys. I pretended to not be grumpy because I am working out for what appears to be no reason.

Then I said a small prayer. Just like the ones I have been saying pretty much non-stop every time I look in a mirror. It kinda went like this "Hey God, I'm working out and being healthy. But I would appreciate if You could make it LOOK like I'm working out and being healthy. Cause why wouldn't You help me look like I'm working out when I ACTUALLY AM WORKING OUT! Just tell me why! Amen."

Receptionist lady signed me in with the tag on my keychain then hands me my keys, looks up at me and smiles.

"I really like swiping you in on the key card right next to your Denny's loyalty membership!"

Damn it. 

#Push Through

The minute you feel like giving up

Think of the reason you held on for so long

#Build me up, Buttercup

As of Saturday I have been blogging for one year.

A whole year!

With some of the most depressing stuff you'll ever read.

Because I'm super depressing.

Hm. Oh well! Moving on..

I bet you think I've been super busy with my super busy life for the last 3 weeks because I have blogged zero times. But I definitely was not. I was definitely laying in bed eating ice cream and grilled cheese's getting fatter than holy hell. I just had nothing to write about!

But luckily for you guys I now have a topic to indulge you in!

Kissing.

It's weird, right?!

Who came up with kissing? Who decided one day "(S)he has a very supple looking lips. I want to take my mouth and touch it with his/hers."

And beyond that who decided to open their mouth while kissing?!

Call me 13, but french kissing is super gross. And I'm pretty sure I suck at it.

The germaphobe in me can't get over how much bacteria lives in your mouth. And you are transferring that to my mouth. Also - microscopic bits of the nachos you just ate, which, I'll be honest, I love nachos, but I don't really like them partially digested and transferred via saliva.

Not that my mouth is free of germs or nachos, but you get the point.

And how do you tell someone "Hey...it's not that you're not an awesome person or anything it's just....you suffocate me when we have oral relations [I just realized how terrible that sounds, but I firmly believe in not deleting anything after I write it. So take me as I am.]." or "My mouth is not a carrot, there is no need to get so much teeth involved." or "That was nice....can I offer you a Tic Tac?"

You don't. And when someone asks you if they're a good kisser you say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."

There's no winning.

I'm also very aware that I have terrible kissing etiquette. I don't always close my eyes [unless I'm tired. Then I close my eyes. But then I get sleepy so I open those suckers right back up]. I don't stare, but I don't close them.

I also like to think about other things. Like "Hm. I wonder what's on sale at Wal Mart this week, I'm hoping to get a good deal on shampoo." or "What was the name of that song I really like...? Well, it's by Phil Collins, obviously. 'There's a girl that's been on my miiiiiiiind, all the tiiiiime'....OH NO! Did I just hum that out loud?" or "I would rather be looking up mental illnesses I have in the DSM."

And when I do think about kissing while I'm actually kissing it mostly goes like this "OMG! Seriously! Are we not done this yet?! You want to keep doing it?? Really? You are going to make my lips chappy. Then who's going to kiss me? You. You will. I will make you, because it's your fault that I now have chappy lips."

And what if your lips are opposite sizes? I worry about this a lot, because I have abnormally large lips. They aren't 'pouty' or 'full' they are 'giant'. I can't wear lip gloss because I look like a clown. If my lips wore jeans they would definitely be wearing plus sizes. If someone punched me in the mouth they wouldn't call the resulting swell "fat lip" they would call it "morbidly obese lip"

So chances are when I kiss people who do not also have 'giant' lips, feel like they are drowning when I kiss them. Wicked.

Anyway, now that I've written that all down I can clearly see why I do not have a boyfriend.

And I'll be honest, I'm 90-100% sure I'm a bad kisser. I suppose if I really wanted to know I could ask someone I've kissed. But they'll probably say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."