#Muddy Tracks

Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my love life on purpose.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm old and alone [except in the context of my church. Because at my church if you are in your twenties and not married you are lame and if you are in your twenties without a steady boyfriend you are a crazy cat lady who has borderline personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. Because that's the only reason you'd still be alone. Seriously.].

It's just that I tend to lean towards guys who don't fit my lifestyle. Because they're safe.

Boys who have no goals, or no ambition, or who drag my work ethic down, or who aren't Christian, or who tear my self esteem to shreds,  or who just want my body, or who I know for a fact won't ever do any better than me.

In the history of my dating life I've either gone for guys who treat me like crap, and try my very hardest to please them in every way; or guys who are safe. Guys that I could care for, but cared for me more. Guys who put me up on a pedestal I didn't deserve. Guys I would love, but not be in love with.

And now I'm stuck. Between what I know is right for me and what is safe.

There's a boy that I feel like is way out of my league, and I could never ever get, and a boy that I know likes me, and I like him, so I might as well just do it.

I read an article recently that said that you should date people equally as attractive as you are, but that girls should date guys whom they think are more attractive than they are and guys should date girls whom they think are less attractive than they are. [Because girls are the biggest bitches to themselves, and boys have over inflated egos. Typical.] And that if you end up in a relationship with someone of equal attractiveness, the relationship is more likely to work out [Because apparently beautiful people are only capable of loving other beautiful people. And themselves.]

It makes sense. Sometimes I look at my friends and I'm like "How did he score her, seriously?" or "Ew. She can do so much better." Rarely is it ever the other way around. [Because boys think they are some kind of sexy, and girls think they are fat. Or something.] And I know that I think that way about myself.

I literally crawled into my mom's bed yesterday and this is what I said:

"I just can't believe a guy like that would ask me out."

And she said:

"Why? I can."

Typical mom, right? Typical "You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you have so much to offer, you're my offspring so obviously you're perfectly perfect and nobody is really good enough for you because you're pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to mankind." type of deal. 

But what if this guy and I are equal on all [or most] playing fields and I'm just scared of being rejected?

Maybe I'll just get liposuction and a boob job and then I can get ANYONE!

Moral of the story - Boob jobs score you hotter guys.

#These Four Walls

Did you know that about 6 out of 10 Canadian families live paycheque to paycheque according to Statistics Canada?

That means about 60% of families are one or two paycheques away from living on the streets.

Which means that if something happens; a parent get's laid off, a car breaks down, bills pile up, that poor family is hooped.

Yesterday I was blessed to meet families who opened my eyes to a whole new side of homelessness.

Moms and dads and kids who were not what you picture them to be.

Some dressed to the nines, and others just in casual every day wear.

Each with a story. Each willing to share.

Most were only on the streets for a few days. Some were on the streets for an extended amount of time.

There were no stories of addictions or crime.

Just people who had hit a bump in the road.

I know how blessed I am. That I have family I can always fall back on. No matter how old I am, or where I am in the world, I know my mother would call me home before letting me live on the streets.

But not everyone is blessed like that. Not everyone can count themselves that lucky.

So do me a favor.

Take the time to realize that homelessness isn't a disease. It's not something you can catch. It's not always associated with drugs or alcohol. Sometimes it's just about a series of unfortunate events.

6 out of 10 Canadian families are living paycheque to paycheque.

Who says it won't ever be you?

#She's Her Own Woman

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is....even if we're apart, I will always be with you." 
-Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

When I think of you I think of "safe" I think of "comfortable" I think of "familiar"

I think of a time when my life wasn't so hectic.

I think that if I allow myself to indulge in you again, if I give in to your I love you's, if I call myself your girlfriend, I won't feel so alone.

You're like that old sweater that get's overworn because it's what I know; it's baggy and comfy and easy to hide behind.

But I know better.

I know how wonderful it is to feel wanted. I know that I love the things you say to me. And I know that it sucks being alone.

But I know you won't fulfill my needs. You don't give me the happiness you used to.

You are amazing. You are someone I completely look up to. I think nothing but the world of you. 

But you are not right for me. And conversely I am not right for you.

Stop asking. Stop pushing.

It's time for us both to let this go and move forward to a life that better suits both of our needs.

It's going to take time, but it will be worth it.

It blows right now, but one day you'll look back and know it was for the best.

I love you, and I'm so thankful for what you were to me.

And now it's time to set each other free.

#No Offense..

*just a heads up this post might be super offensive despite the title. Don't read it if you're easily offended. Or if you're going to judge me. Or if you're going to complain about it later.

Sometimes I swear.

Sometimes it's on purpose, sometimes it's an accident.

I don't swear like a sailor, but I swear more than I should.

Except I don't really believe in the whole concept of swearing.

Like, who decided that this one particular word is so bad.

That when people hear it they cringe. Mother's cover their children's ears. People scoff at the vulgarity. The elderly gasp in astonishment.

A four letter word starting with F and ending with uck.

It literally means nothing to me. Nothing at all. I hear people say it, whisper it, yell it, cry it every day. And if you aren't saying it I know you're thinking it at some point in your head.

Know what I have to say to that?

Who gives a fuck?

You know what word really offends me? That has a meaning in my life? That isn't just some four letter word that someone somewhere decided was "a swear"

Cancer.

I promise that word has some kind of meaning in your life too.

Maybe it's something you or someone you know overcame. Maybe it's not. Maybe it has robbed you from something you deserve.

No matter how you dress it up it's an ugly word. Something nobody ever wants to hear.

Jack Layton died at age 61 from cancer today and in his last letter to Canadians he said:

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can't think of anyone who would deserve it less than you. You are so sweet and caring and funny. But I know beyond that you're strong. You can overcome this. This is not a death sentence. You can do this. God is bigger than this. You have so many people standing by you. I have so much faith that you will be okay.

Every day I've had you in my life has been a blessing, and I expect there to be many years to come.

I will pray for you.

And I love you.

#Crows Feet

People keep asking me:

What was the most important thing you learned in Belarus?

And every time I answer it's different.

They only eat chicken and potatos.

Different cultures are literally different worlds.

Moscow hates Canadians.

Oolibka = smile in Russian.

Jesus loves endlessly and can work miracles through you.

But my final answer is different. There is something way bigger that I learned that is none of the above. (Well, the Jesus thing is pretty big, but I already knew that so I don't feel like it should be classified as something I learned there.)

No matter where you go, no matter what language they speak, no matter who you are talking to: smiling is the international language.

It doesn't matter where you go. People are drawn to the positive. Think about it. Would you be more likely to approach someone who is complaining about your food, and your washrooms, and your general standard of living; or someone who is smiling, laughing, making jokes, and taking everything about your culture in stride?

It's true! Nobody likes a pouter. Nobody. Ever.

So here's my advice to you:

if you're going to travel bring with you - pain killers(for pain), antihistamines(for allergies), antiemetics(in case you have to puke), laxatives (in case you can't poop), antidiarrheals(in case you can't stop pooping), peanut butter(just in case your stomach really REALLY doesn't agree with the food), and toilet paper(just in case. It's a luxury from home).

Put in a genuine effort to submerse yourself into the new culture and it's beliefs.

And smile. You'll make lots of friends.

#A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words - Belarus Part 7

I know I promised this a few days ago. I just havent gotten around to editing it and stuff. Because I like pretty things and because this is my blog it will be a pretty thing.

Every picture, every person, everything you see has a story, and a background. There is a reason God sent all the people He did to that camp, and I think that there was a huge impact, not just on the campers but the people who were running it as well.

This is my story in pictures. We did everything from obstacle courses, amaing races, line dances, indoor campfires, talent shows, skits, english classes, bible studies, concerts, and most importantly building relationships. I hope you enjoy these pictures even a fraction as much as I enjoyed being around these people. Lalalalove

Big thanks to Pasha for letting me use some of these pictures! I have so much love for everyone in them.

Rye x