A whole year!
With some of the most depressing stuff you'll ever read.
Because I'm super depressing.
Hm. Oh well! Moving on..
I bet you think I've been super busy with my super busy life for the last 3 weeks because I have blogged zero times. But I definitely was not. I was definitely laying in bed eating ice cream and grilled cheese's getting fatter than holy hell. I just had nothing to write about!
But luckily for you guys I now have a topic to indulge you in!
Kissing.
It's weird, right?!
Who came up with kissing? Who decided one day "(S)he has a very supple looking lips. I want to take my mouth and touch it with his/hers."
And beyond that who decided to open their mouth while kissing?!
Call me 13, but french kissing is super gross. And I'm pretty sure I suck at it.
The germaphobe in me can't get over how much bacteria lives in your mouth. And you are transferring that to my mouth. Also - microscopic bits of the nachos you just ate, which, I'll be honest, I love nachos, but I don't really like them partially digested and transferred via saliva.
Not that my mouth is free of germs or nachos, but you get the point.
And how do you tell someone "Hey...it's not that you're not an awesome person or anything it's just....you suffocate me when we have oral relations [I just realized how terrible that sounds, but I firmly believe in not deleting anything after I write it. So take me as I am.]." or "My mouth is not a carrot, there is no need to get so much teeth involved." or "That was nice....can I offer you a Tic Tac?"
You don't. And when someone asks you if they're a good kisser you say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."
There's no winning.
I'm also very aware that I have terrible kissing etiquette. I don't always close my eyes [unless I'm tired. Then I close my eyes. But then I get sleepy so I open those suckers right back up]. I don't stare, but I don't close them.
I also like to think about other things. Like "Hm. I wonder what's on sale at Wal Mart this week, I'm hoping to get a good deal on shampoo." or "What was the name of that song I really like...? Well, it's by Phil Collins, obviously. 'There's a girl that's been on my miiiiiiiind, all the tiiiiime'....OH NO! Did I just hum that out loud?" or "I would rather be looking up mental illnesses I have in the DSM."
And when I do think about kissing while I'm actually kissing it mostly goes like this "OMG! Seriously! Are we not done this yet?! You want to keep doing it?? Really? You are going to make my lips chappy. Then who's going to kiss me? You. You will. I will make you, because it's your fault that I now have chappy lips."
And what if your lips are opposite sizes? I worry about this a lot, because I have abnormally large lips. They aren't 'pouty' or 'full' they are 'giant'. I can't wear lip gloss because I look like a clown. If my lips wore jeans they would definitely be wearing plus sizes. If someone punched me in the mouth they wouldn't call the resulting swell "fat lip" they would call it "morbidly obese lip"
So chances are when I kiss people who do not also have 'giant' lips, feel like they are drowning when I kiss them. Wicked.
Anyway, now that I've written that all down I can clearly see why I do not have a boyfriend.
And I'll be honest, I'm 90-100% sure I'm a bad kisser. I suppose if I really wanted to know I could ask someone I've kissed. But they'll probably say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."
