#30 Hours Later - Belarus Part 1

I don't have much internet time.

So here's a quick rundown of my travels here.

YYC, Calgary - we were not going to be let on the plane. we were told we needed a transit visa to get from Russia to Belarus. then they said it was fine. so we left.

Heathrow Airport, London - there was little to no concern about the visas. that I witnessed any way. We sat in an airport for 8 hours. we wandered and found salmon in a box. I slept two of the eight hours we were there.

Moscow Airport(?), Moscow - we were held captive for 7 and a half hours because we did not have a transit visa. We had no food or water, we only had each other and metal chairs. those chairs were extremely uncomfortable. like, to the max. We were sent through security then sent back out to be escorted to the plane by a van. because we are rebels and were not allowed on Russian soil.

Minsk Airport, Belarus - more delays as we had to fill out immigration forms. then we went outside and smelled fresh air for the first time in over 30 hours.

No joke. 30 hours of traveling. I was asleep for at least half of it, because I slept on every single plane ride, for the whole thing.  WITH NO DRUGS! Plus at airports I slept. I was a sleeping machine. Plus also there was lots of prayers and stuff. It was the longest 30 hours of my life.

That was a long story short, it's much better in person I promise you!

Any way, I miss everyone back home, and I don't honestly know how much I'll be updating my blog after tonight. I love you all millions and millions and I'll write when I can!

xoxo Rye

#Deal Breaker

I've been thinking back lately.

And there is one conversation that stands out in my mind.

He was standing with me in the kitchen. I asked him if he would ever leave, I was so scared he would leave.

"Baby," he told me "I won't ever leave you or your mommy. love you both very much. I made that promise to her, I will make that promise to you, but even more importantly I made that promise to myself. I will never leave you. I will always love you. I will do everything I can to keep you guys happy and safe."

He meant it. Every word, he meant it. I know he loved me. Those were the last five words he whispered to me. I will always love you.

I miss him. So much it makes my chest tight and hurty to even think about it.

But I couldn't have a guardian angel more committed to keeping me and my family safe. 

And with the assurance that I have my two daddy's who love me very much watching over me I finally have some peace in my heart about going.

Keep me safe Daddy, I love you.

#The Point Of No Return

I can't back out now.

I'm going.

It doesn't matter how nervous I am.

I'm going.

I had my first glimmer of excitement today. It was quickly squashed by talking about the flight itinerary.

I'm going.

There are six other people coming with me. Six people who went from strangers to family. Six people who have loved, supported, and comforted me. Six people who are counting on me to do my part.

I'm going.

You called me to this. Please work through me to have Your will accomplished. Take this fear and anxiety from my heart. Fill the space left with Your love for me to spread to other people. Please.

I'm going.

I've been overwhelmed by the kindness of the people around me. People close to me, people not very close to me, people who know me really well, and people who only really know my name. I want to give back to the world what I've been given.

I'm going.

I have to finish shopping, washing, folding, crying, packing, prepping. Because

I'm going..

#A Whole New World

I've been fantasizing a lot lately.

About disappearing.

Leaving somewhere far far away.

Not forever, just for a while. Six months. A year maybe.

Australia.NewZealad.England.China.France.Greece.Mars.Thailand.Kenya.Italy.

Anywhere.

I want a start over. A redo.

I want to go somewhere where nobody knows my name. Where I answer to no one. I want to go on an adventure. See something new. Be someone new. And as of right now I answer to no one but God. I have family whom I love very much and I would of course stay in close contact with (and hopefully they would come visit?). I also have friends I adore with all my heart, and I would miss them all dearly.I have school. I'll finish that before my grand adventure.

But as of right now I have no husband, no kids, no serious job, no house, nothing like that. Nothing holding me back.

Leaving won't solve my problems, I'm very aware of that. But it will give me a break from real life. Which is smothering me right now. I've been escaping for hours at a time on the internet, looking up places, prices, experiences. And craving it. I'm going. Take my word for it. I don't care if I go with someone or completely alone.

I'm going.

#Team Tight for Terry ~ Version 2.0

Okay people! Listen up!

I'm going to do some self advertising here!

My Daddy is my hero. I'm sure by now you all know his story. But in case you don't my Daddy fought this endless, cruel battle with cancer. So. Hard. He did things that would make weaker men tremble at the thought, and probably vomit a little bit. And he did it all without hesitation. Because he loved. He loved me. My brother and sisters. My mom. We were who he fought for. And above all else that was what he taught us. To love with absolutely NO barriers.

Unfortunately we laid my Daddy to rest at the beginning of May. As hard as my Daddy fought, cancer ruthlessly fought back, and tore him apart, from the inside out. Cancer is a jerk (I have a few other choice words, but let's keep this PG shall we?). But we can help. YOU can help. You can help me help researchers help people. Look at that chain of love!!

I'm running again this year in the Terry Fox Run. Team Tight for Terry (Simpson). I am not in very good shape so there is a slight chance it will only be the 5k. HOWEVER I'm going to start training right away and push myself to do the 10k. If my Daddy could fight the way he did I sure as heck can run the 10k. The amount of pain I will feel running will be NOTHING in comparison to the pain and anguish my Daddy felt for months.

What I need from you is
- Donations
- Prayers
- Love
- Support

Last year I asked everyone to donate instead of giving me any kind of birthday present. Because the run is in September and so is the anniversary of blessing earth with my presence. I'm going to be posting it lots on facebook, so no worries if you don't get around to it yet! I won't let you forget it!!!

Last year Team Tight for Terry came in 17th overall in all of Alberta\Nunavut\North West Territories for pledges raised!! We raised $3,350, let's try and top that!!

You can donate to me in person, cash or cheque, OR you can donate online! Right now! This is not a drill it's super easy folks!!!! Here's the link:

This is it guys! This is the link! Click MEEE!!!!!!

Thank you all so much for reading my blog and caring enough to stay updated in my life. It would mean a lot to me if you supported me and my Daddy in our continuing battle against cancer.

#A House Is Not A Home

I miss you. To the point where it feels like I can't breathe. At all.

I haven't been coping in the healthiest ways. I'll be honest I really haven't been coping at all. Just compartmentalizing it into a little corner of my brain so I don't have to think about it. Until I accidentally do. Then it sucks.

I'm feeling so much guilt and anger. I don't know how to deal with it.

And I can't decide if I'm thankful for the last year or not. I can see so much good that came from it. School was pretty laid back the first semester and so I got to spend a lot of time at home. And you were obviously home for other reasons. We spent a lot of mornings talking. Laughing. Teasing. I miss it so much.

I can't sit at that table anymore. Where we would have our time. Where you would make me laugh, or show me fishing things on your computer. Where you would look over at me and say things like You are so beautiful, or I'm so proud of you, or I love you so much. Just because. Where we would talk about the house you were going to build me. Where we would eat lunch together. Where we bonded together.

I feel like I can't go home anymore. I go there to sleep. I get up first thing in the morning. I don't come home before 11 because I want to be able to pass out as soon as I get there. I can't be there because I see you everywhere. I feel you everywhere. It was your home.

And I feel so much guilt for taking that away from you. For taking your home from you. I was the one who was supposed to drive you back to the hospital the last time you came home. We thought you were going to be coming back in two days. 5 o clock I was told to get you to the hospital by. And so I told you at quarter after four that we should get ready to go. And you looked so sad. I told you that you would be back in two days for good. And you complained that you should just stay home then. 5 o clock rolled around and we still hadn't left. I was pushing you to get ready because you were already supposed to be at the hospital. Your eyes were still darkened with sadness. And we left. Thinking you would be back in 2 days. You didn't talk to me all the way up to the hospital. Just stared ahead. And I often wonder if it would have made a difference if I had just given you a couple more hours at home. I hate that I was the one who took you away from it.

#Baby, Don't Hurt Me

Affection.Fondness.LOVE.Passion.Admiration.

What is it about love?

Everyone craves it. To be loved by someone else is what we all strive for.

It's why we get up and try to look good in the morning. It's why we say and do the things we do. It's primitive and instinctual. This is the only thing I took out of biology in my first year of university.

Air-Water-Reproduction

Each a "need" in our minds. The former each more important than the latter. We need air to breathe. If we don't have it right away we die. We need water to survive and keep our bodies functioning. If we don't have it over a period of time we die. But what about reproduction? Is it really a need? Nope. But it's our purpose. It's the purpose of every animal. To carry on their genetics to the following generations.

So where does love fit in to this?

The female brain is wired to find a provider/protector for her and her offspring. The male brain is wired to spread his seed as far across the land as it will go. To carry on his genetics, you see. But studies are showing now that men crave the affection and love just as much as women do. It's a need that resides in all of us.

So why is it that love is so intimidating? How can I love my friends, and love my family, and have love FOR the guy that I like but I am scared to fall IN love with him?

Even LIKING a guy. It's fun! Not. Half the time I don't know what's going on in his head, and the other half the time I'm SURE he doesn't like me back. I practically float on sunshine and fluffy angel hide clouds because he said something that PROBABLY MEANS NOTHING! I'm such a girl sometimes.

It doesn't matter if I don't find love for a long long time. Jesus loves me. Always. And I love him. He's pretty much my boyfriend. And that's good enough for me. Foreva eva.

Morals of the story - love is way too complicated. I crave it and I fear it. Life would be easier without boys. Jesus loves everyone.

#Softysweetymeltylove

I started yesterday off grumbling. I did not think it would be a good day.

I had barely any sleep the last two nights.

My best friend had gone back home the night before

I was exactly two weeks away from flying across the world (thinking about it is making me sick right now. I just can't seem to get excited. What is wrong with me?)

I had to sit in an office all day. Just like every Tuesday. But I really wanted to be outside, even more than usual.

Not a good day. I was a grumpy pants Debbie Downer.

Then something magical happened. It all turned around!

I had a fabulous lunch with a fabulous lady, I was written a love story on my starbucks by one of the sweetest silliest prettiest girls I know, I took 4 minutes out of my day and read my whole wall of sunshiney happiness, I spent the afternoon texting wonderful friends, I tanned my super pale legs for 30 seconds, and then it happened. IT happened.

I was with my 3 nursies. In the same room. All of us. Together. We talked, and giggled, and teased, and listened. I honestly don't think I smiled so big in over a month. These three ladies are my world. They are the best at listening, at laughing at my jokes, at holding my hand through the hard times and celebrating the good times. And they validate me. It doesn't matter what I'm feeling, who or what I'm feeling it towards, why I'm feeling that way. They will support me. They might not agree, but they will love me anyway and tell me that it's okay I feel that way. There's no judgement, or feelings of superiority. We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses, but that's why it works so well. We balance each other out. We're so similar but SO different at the same time. And at the end of the day, no matter what happens, we're always there for each other.

That's what friendship is.

#Whitey Tighty

My legs are so white.

SO white.

So white, in fact, that they glow through my pants. People think I'm an angel becuase I have glowing legs. But I'm not an angel. Just abnormally white.

I want to tan, but I'm in an office today. Wearing pants. Not tanning.

I'm going to have to get some sunless tanner or something. How am I supposed to wear a cute sundress in London and be cute and asian with white legs?? Legs probably whiter than all my whitie counterparts who will be traipsing through London with me!!!

Goals for the next 2 weeks - Work out legs so they are more publicly acceptable, tan legs, buy cute sundress to wear in london that does not make my legs look super white.

#Penguin Farts

My best friend is in town. 

We have been best friends since the first day of grade 10. He also didn't know my real name for like....a week. We bonded over his stuffed monkey named Gross. It was best friendship ever since.

Because I don't do the whole 'real name' thing on my bloggy blog we will call him Ray. It's short for Ray Charles. We both have alternate old black persona's with beautiful voices. And everyone who loves us knows it. If you're wondering, I'm Morgan Freeman. But we'll just call me Rye to prevent confusion. Ray and Rye. It was meant to be.

We like to go on adventures together. It usually ends in disaster. Like this one time he slipped and fell off a cliff then I had to grab his hand and pull him back up to save his life. And another time we were walking through the mall and made some guy mad, then he put a curse on us. And we had bad luck all that day. So we had to do a broom dance to take it off. The last time we went on an adventure he was trying to find out if I was okay while I was in the women's washroom. He was told off by a giant latino woman. That night ended up in a hotel room with corn syrup, water bottles, and extra sheets. Don't ask.

When we aren't adventuring we are busy eating terrible food, making interpretive dances to Disney songs, singing Phil Collins, or Lady Gaga, taking unknowing videos of each other on my phone, watching movies, or falling asleep watching movies, pretending to be power rangers, venting about people, talking about how much we love each others moms, spending our life savings, being lazy, working out, getting bored of working out and deciding to get ice cream instead, smiling with asian eyes, watching family channel, talking about how tomorrow we are going to start eating healthy, making grand plans for travelling that are never followed through, and gambling.

This is clearly the foundation for a life long friendship. And this is why he is my little Ray of Sunshine :D

#I Will Hold Your Hand

I know this sucks.

I don't know how you're feeling. But I know it sucks.

Tomorrow will be better. It might not be easier, it might actually be harder. But you learned from today. You learned from the experiences, you learned how to deal with how you're feeling, you learned how to cope with life. Even just a little bit.

I will be there. I will hold your hand. I will laugh with you, cry with you, scream with you, be there for you. Always. No matter what. Because you laughed with me, cried with me, screamed with me, and were there for me. I have 2 biological sisters. You have zero. So let me show you that this is what sisters do. We won't always get along, we might disagree and bicker and fight. But at the end of the day I will answer your 3 AM phone call. I will drive into the middle of no where to be with you. I will search for a solution to your problems with you. I will stand by you. That's what sisters do.

Please remember you are NOT alone. And even if I fail to pull through He will be there. And He loves you so much. Worship Him. Tell Him you love Him. Remember that He is the Creator of Everything. The Prince of Peace. The Almighty Father.  It seems backwards to worship now. But it's not. Worship Him. 

And realize He is so much bigger than what is happening.

His love never fails.

#I Love You, Tomorrow.

"Just thinkin' about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow!"

Jesus wants me to procrastinate. It's a proven fact.

Remember last week I wrote a post about leaving my paper to the last minute. Want to know a fun fact about that paper? I cited Everybody Loves Raymond in it.....yeah. Like the TV show. It was one of my sources. This is not a drill, people. And I have been praying about it since then. They've mostly been going like this:

Hey God, 
So um, I'm sorry I left my paper to the last minute and didn't really do as well as I wanted...And I'm sorry I was stupid and referenced a tv show like it belonged in a university level paper. But remember, YOU were the one who called me to nursing....and these are just filler options, so please, God, let me do well. I would be satisfied with a B. Possibly a C. A pass in the very least. Because I don't want to drop the course. That is alotta dolla to throw away, Jesus. And I didn't even get to go to Disneyland. So please give me a hand up here. Because I want to do Your name justice through the mending of people holistically. And I love You.
Amen.

And I just opened my email with my paper back. Graded. And my stomach went all knotty. And my chest went all tighty. And my throat went all scratchy and hurty and growly (I think this is due more to illness than my paper grade). And I hesitantly opened the email. Then I opened the attachment. Then I looked at my grade. "Good job! A."

Um. What.

Thanks, Jesus. I owe You one. Or a million. But I owed You that already. I owe You one more, I guess.

#Mental Health

I'll be honest, I just want to be a nurse already.

I get that the school part is kind of important but I'm just ready to be there. Now.

Don't get me wrong, I love the learny part of school. Just not the testy and papery part of it. And how long it actually takes to finish everything.

And when I sit in those classes about illness - whether it's mental, or physical illness, I diagnose myself with everything.

"Diabetics have a different perception of pain"
"Sometimes I think pain is funny and not very hurty....I'm a diabetic."

"People with dependant personality disorder have anxiety when they're alone."
"Sometimes I don't like to be alone....I have dependant personality disorder."

"Asians and caucasians have an increased risk for heart disease."
"I'm half asian and half caucasian. I have heart disease."

"Older women are susceptible to osteoporosis"
"I'm a woman, and I'm pretty much old. I have osteoporosis."

Every class. Everything is relatable to me in some way. I have everything. I probably even had testicular cancer at one point.

There is one disease I know I have. Pica.

Pica (PY-ka) - a medical disorder characterized by an appetite for substances largely non-nutritive or an abnormal appetite for food ingredients. (I took this from wikipedia. don't judge.)

I eat ice. All day every day. It is non-nutritive, and a food ingredient. I get drinks with ice all the time.

Like an Iced Capp from Tim Hortons. Did you know if you let your iced capp sit for long enough it separates and the ice floats to the top and the juices sink to the bottom?

Well, I wait for mine to separate. Then I pour out the coffee and chew on the ice. All the time. This is not a joke.

I also just eat ice. As if it were a snack. No big deal. Just me and my glass of ice.

The stupid thing is I'M ALWAYS COLD. Solution = stop eating ice. Problem With Solution = I can't.

Icey drinks are my favorite. Blended icey drinks make my heart happy. Ice is my kryptonite.

I also used to eat snow when I was a kid. Never yellow snow, but still. I would pick it up and eat it. All. Day. I feel like that relates to my ice fixation kind of.

I also feel like I used to eat rocks when I was really little. Maybe that was a dream but I think it was real. I'll ask my mom.

Oh well. It's not an issue, it doesn't interfere with my every day living. I'll just continue living with Pica.

I think I might also be a hypochondriac...

#Get'er Done

When I was in high school I went to Bishop Carroll. I loved the people I met there, the experiences I had there, and the things I learned there thought I learned there.

I digress.

Bishop Carroll  was the worst idea for a high school ever. You sign up for classes, they give you a binder full of lessons and a textbook and say "get this back to me before June 12, because that is cut off and you have to be done everything ever by then." (I think I might do a post on Bishop Carroll. Just Bishop Carroll and the words and slang you learn from that place. You guys could live my high school experience! Thoughts?)

Giving that kind of freedom to a 16 year old is the worst thing you could do. Or the best depending on whose point of view it is. From September until the end of April I had the best time at that school. I would get there. sign in. set out some books on a desk. get coffee. come back. walk the halls. go for lunch. come back. walk the halls. gather my books. sign out. That was a day in the life. That was every day in the life. No. Joke.

Then May came around and you wanted to put a bullet up your nose and through your brain because you had one month to do 75% of your year's work. And May/June were the worst 6 weeks of your life.

Anyway, I thought I learned from that school procrastination is bad, when in fact I am currently taking 2 online courses, and have pretty much done all the work last minute. Like my paper that is due today. I haven't started it. I've found some great references to plug into it but I have not actually started the paper. It's supposed to be 8-10 pages long. And I am meeting up with K later *LOVE*. Hm. It'll get done! I could have started it on my lunch, but instead I chose to write a blog post. Oops!

Granted, I've been going through a lot of hectic

lifeiscomingatmehardiamsuffocatingwithallthisridiculousnessthatiliveeveryday.

BUT I should have learned. And if I'm honest, every assignment I've done this school year has been last minute. AND I've been doing super well, so it validates my feeling like I can do things last minute. I would have been doing this paper today regardless of if life was blowing me over or not. So I learned nothing from Bishop Carroll. I didn't even learn high school because I was cramming it all into 6 weeks. Try it and see how much you actually retian.

The morals of the story: Don't send your kids to Bishop Carroll. Writing papers last minute is how you get good grades. Hanging out with K > almost anything in life

Power of Prevention

It was a really slow day today at work for a few hours.. then this lady came in and needed her blood pressure done, and I got all excited, cause I am awesome that way. Then it was slow again and I had all this time to myself to think about whatever I wanted to think about.

Blood pressure- a friend of mine recently wrote on my facebook wall and made a comment about me saving people's lives with my blood pressure taking skills. I'm pretty sure that was meant as a silly comment, she is a good friend of mine. As I just mentioned though, I had all this time to think about whatever I wanted to think about today, and I came up with an interesting thought: taking blood pressure IS kind of like saving lives! Before you say "this whitie is crazy" and exit the computer screen, let me tell you in better detail what I mean.

Hypertension= high blood pressure= systolic pressure (top number) of 140 or over and a diastolic pressure (bottom number) of 90 or over. AKA- the silent killer. Hypertension puts you at risk for stroke, and can lead to chronic kidney disease. Many people do not realize they have hypertension until they get their blood pressure checked at an appointment and their pressure is through the roof, or they have a stroke.

So here is what I am thinking. Blood pressure, a first year nursing student can take blood pressure. You can go to the grocery store in Canada and take your blood pressure with a machine. It isn't a terribly difficult or expensive test! Over the past month that I have been here, I have taken a lot of blood pressures. Almost every time I tell them the number, the conversation goes like this ".. so is that high?" "do you know what regular blood pressure should be?" "..no.." "typically we say that a normal blood pressure is 120/80, though often if it is lower than that, it is ok too. Do you know what your blood pressure is usually?" "..ahh.. nope" I then take this time to inform them about how blood pressure that is a bit lower is ok, unless they are feeling very ill or like that might black out. I tell them that blood pressure higher than 120/80 is more what we are worried about, and that you want to watch your blood pressure to see if it is usually high or low, and if the number is changing. For those who have high blood pressure but are not quite hypertensive I tell them that they can limit salty foods, exercise, and not smoke/limit alcohol intake to help lower their blood pressure. Those that already have hypertension will get advised by the doctor and usually given some medication, and return for checkups to keep tabs on their pressure.

I know we can't prevent everything, but I think it is worth talking about how we can keep our blood pressure lower, and how it is important to check blood pressure, so one day you aren't hit with "uhh your blood pressure is 190/100"" and last you checked (5 years ago when you last saw a doctor) it was.. hmm what was that number.. 120/85? maybe?

Anyway, all of that to say, that when I talk to someone about their blood pressure and help them understand what the numbers mean, and how they can help keep their blood pressure in a healthy range, I am helping save lives =)