#The Little Things

Right now I am sitting in a hospital room.

There are six people in this room. mom.dad.matt.jess.sam.me.

We are listening to Jesus music and talking. Matt and dad are lying in bed together. It's sweet!

We are a complete unit. And man, are we ever awesome.

"What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise."

This is heaven. The six of us together. It's the little moments. And we'll have lots more.

I just know it.

#Momma's Girl

My mom is super cool. I've made a post before about how much I love this woman. And it used to be #1. But then people didn't read it anymore. So here is a link. Go read it.

But today I'm writing about how strong my momma is. My Dad is very very sick. And aside from him I think this is affecting my mom the most. But she doesn't show it. At least not around me and the sibs. She has been a rock. She has been the one to hold everyone else while they cry. She is the one who has been pushing everyone to stay strong and has been setting the best example. Her faith in God is inspiring. Her faith in Dad is even more inspiring. But she's not just a strong woman. Oh no, she is so much more.

She is the household caregiver. The confidant. The one who takes the brunt end of everybody's bad day. She has been called names (oops), been yelled at, lied to, fought with, sworn at, and everything you could possibly imagine. But she still loves us. (I hate to admit, I've been the one who's done most of the above..but I'm 20 and the next one down is 13....the three youngen's have a while yet to make me look good) She is your biggest supporter, but she calls you out on your screwups. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is funny. She is just overall amazing. Thank goodness I got her genetics :)

My mom is my best friend. She still reads me bed time stories. She's the only person I want to watch phantom of the opera with (because everybody else is too cool to sing along). She is the funniest person I know. I love her even when she's grumpy. She gave everything up for me. She deserves the world.

I want to just take all her pain away from her. I want to take the sadness from her eyes. But mommy, you know I'm here for you. And I will love you always. And I will never EVER leave you alone. Don't be scared. God is here. I am here. And I love you more than anything.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

#He Is Risen

So as Easter came and went it blew my mind how little 90% of the population really cared.

It was a chocolatelovingegghuntingturkeydinner day to everyone around me. 

And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with those days.

But what about Jesus? What about our Messiah who came to die, because He loved us? Doesn't He deserve a day? Just ONE day. A day where we can all reflect on what He did for us? On how much He loves us? How can we live in a world where this day is more about worshiping sweets and bunnies than it is about worshiping our Savior?

Anyone who reads my blog knows my family is going through a tough time right now. But because of Jesus, we will all be together again. My Daddy, my Mommy, my brother and sister's and I all have a secure destination. We should have no fear in anything that comes. We will have eternal life. In His Name. Because He died. Because He loved. Because He washed us clean of all the mistakes, the sins, the wrongdoings that we are stained with in every day life. 

I'm not afraid to advocate for God. For Jesus. If you don't like it then stop reading my blog because I'm not changing myself for you. God loves you. He loves me. He wants you to love Him. That's why He died for you.

Easter is about more than chocolate and rabbits. It's about the death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior. And the saving grace of our Father. 

I love you, Dad <3 !

#The Air I Breathe

So I've been super depressed.

Like supasupa depressed. The kind where you feel like you're suffocating, you're in a pool of green jello and you can't take a breath in because the jello is too thick and it wouldn't provide you the oxygen your lungs are craving anyways.

The kind of depressed where you think you've cried all your tears, then you let your mind wander for just a second and you all of the sudden are a blubbering mess.

But I took a deep breath today. And it wasn't of green jello. Because someone pulled me out. It actually wasn't just someone. It was someones. So many people have been offering their hearts to me. Phone calls and text messages and facebook messages and posts (um what did people do before technology, seriously). People who know what's going on, and people who don't, and everyone in between.

My life has an abundance of sweet, genuine, loving people. Friends and family, and framily (that's a combination of the two, just in case you were wondering what was going on there). And I finally have words to say to You that I haven't been able to muster up in the last two days. Thank You. Thank You for the amazing people you have graced me with. You obviously knew this was going to be hard, and You knew I wouldn't be able to do it alone. And of course You would be there, but I needed someone to cry to, and share hurt with, and recover together. And You didn't give me someone. You gave me someones.

Thank You.

*ps that was for realzies really real a fortune from dim sum yesterday. weird right?

#Fairy Tales

Once upon a time there was a little girl and her mother. They were best friends. The mother would do anything for her baby and the little girl lived to see her mother smile. Then one day the mother met a man, but not any ordinary man. One who made the little girl feel like a princess and treated the mother like a queen. The kind of man all men should aspire to be. And the mother and the man got married and had three more beautiful babies and lived happily ever after. 

My life was a fairy tale. It's funny how you don't realize how good you have it, and how much you take for granted until it's all swept out from under you.

#Deep Breathing

Yesterday was not a complete write off.

There was some good stuff in there too.

I didn't even study a little bit for my exam today. Oh well. (this is a good thing...kinda. It would have been boring, however I'm pretty unprepared for today...)

I layed in bed and cried with my bestie.*

That was surprisingly refreshing. 

I also bought a pretty new bible. Even though my newest one was supposed to be NLT or ESV or NKJV or a study bible, I just bought another NIV. It was too pretty to pass up. I like pretty things!

Then I prayed for an uber long time. And I felt lots better. And I wrote in my brand new prayer journal. And I cried a little more. That also made me feel lots better.

Crying is good, sometimes. In moderation, I think.

So now to take on today.

Today has the potential to be terrible.heartbreaking.soulcrushing.

It also has the potential to be relieving.renewing.refreshing.

I'm putting my faith in You. I love You, always.

"I will hold tight to the hand of Him, who's love will comfort me! And when my hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle. He is all the strength I will ever need. He will carry me!" - Mark Shultz


*I'm aware layed isn't a word. Deal with it. 

#Conversations With God

I feel like God is testing me.

Why do we always get SO close to what we want, only to have it all taken away from us? Why did I end up spending most of this day in tears when it should have been a celebration of life? Why do I once again feel like my world is crashing down around me to the point that I physically can't breathe? I can't handle any more. I just can't.

God, why are you pushing us like this?? Why can't You just let it happen? Why can't things just go smoothly, and be right? Why would You give us hope just to strip it from us again? What else is there?? Why, God, why why why!!!

And when I cry these words to Him, I feel an overwhelming sense of peace taking place in my heart. God is in control. I need to stop questioning it and just put my faith wholeheartedly into Him. I'm not supposed to understand. That's where the trust and faith in Him comes in. Father, I need you right now. I need You to take this from my heart. Because even with You here...

I am so scared. 

#Celebrations!

Today is bittersweet.

One year ago today my daddy was diagnosed with cancer. It was the day that everything changed. Since then we have undergone a war of ups and downs and everything in between. It's been the most emotionally draining year God could have put down upon us. But we're here. We're stronger. We're God-lovers. We're together. And I think that's what matters.

So I can look back on the life I used to have and mourn it. Or I can look at the new life God has given me and rejoice in it. I love my Daddy, and I'm super glad he was given another chance at fighting this disease. He is so strong. He is so brave. And I know I've done 2 other posts about how strong and brave and wonderful this man is but I dont think you understand how much of an inspiration he is to me!

Last night (while I was out, in my flip flops, because I needed toe painting therapy yesterday) me and my mom were talking about biblical stories she could read me before bed (um yeah....20 years old and my mommy is still reading me bedtime stories. No judgement.) and the story of David and Goliath came up. You know the one where a young boy (who later becomes king) defeats a giant with only a sling and a stone and the power of God?? That reminds me of my Daddy. Defeating this giant that has beaten so many others with little to no ammunition and only the power of our Lord and Saviour.

And Daddy comes home to stay today! After more than 3 months in the hospital! Look how far we've come in a year.

But today is not only a one year anniversary of a definitive diagnosis, it is a 21 year anniversary. Of the birth of one of the lovely ladies that I have the privilege to call my friend. She is super sweet and kind and caring. She has a cute little giggly laugh and a pretty smile. And she has an endearing passion for helping people that is going to make her an amazing nurse. I love this girl muchly, she has been there for me through so much and she is completely irreplaceable. I love her because she loves snails eating lettuce, and she wants to travel the world with me, and she is pretty much me but living in a super cute non-chinese body!

So today I'm choosing to celebrate life. Because life is the ultimate gift from God. Yay!

#Boysboysboys

So you know what I hate? (Things I hate is not a very long list, just so you know. This will not be happening often)

When one of your best girlfriends gets a boyfriend. But not just any boyfriend, one that you absolutely do not approve of. Mostly because she did it to spite you of the fact that she hated him, but now likes him, and that's apparently what the 'cool kids' are doing. Not that I would really know. Seeing as how I've never been into the 'cool scene'.

Not to say that my opinion matters a whole bunch in other people's relationships, but seriously? Seriously?? 

Here's the kicker. On top of having unapproved boyfriend, you are now ignoring your REAL friends for him. Because....you're too cool now? Because you have a boyfriend and I don't which puts us on different pages of life? Because he tells you you're pretty and that makes you think you like him? Because he's 'the one' even though a month ago you couldn't stand the thought of him? Because what? Enlighten me.

I'm just so unimpressed because it started off as "He is a creep. Ew. He likes me." and it shifted to "Hahaha look at these texts he's sending me! Be jealous of him liking me" and finally came to  "Confession time: I'm in love with him. He's glorious."

And through those stages I was like "Hahaha creeps are funny." then "Haha those texts are cute, I'm not jealous though." and finally "Ha. You don't like him for the right reasons. I think you really just like him to rub it in my face. Which = wrong reasons."

On a lighter note, also kind of involving the opposite sex, but not really; I am in love with The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin and have been listening to it on repeat for like 5 days now. Cute!

I feel like I should end this post with Jesus, because I love Jesus and He makes me not angry anymore.

Dear Jesus, please help me to open my heart to what I cannot control, and show me to love like I know You love. Also, if you could please give me patience for dealing with things like this, that would be great. And, Father, please grant everyone in this situation grace, that we could move past what is happening and become closer for it. Amen.

Much Better :) 

#Ohana

- means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

Family doesn't judge, just loves. Family doesn't abandon, only welcomes. Family isn't dejecting, it's encouraging.

Sure families fight, and bicker. They curse, scream, pout, and whine. Sometimes families say things that shouldn't have been said, and do things that shouldn't be done. But at the end of the day families love each other and stand together. They pull through for one another. Always.

Family isn't just of blood relation. Family is anyone that you love. That could be the person you tell your secrets to. The person you call when you crash your car. The person who yells at your exboyfriend. The person that texts you good morning every morning. The person who drives you around. The person you drive around. The person you study with. The person you avoid studying with. The person you work with. The person who eats all your food. The person you trust with your life.

God knows not just what you want, but what you need. And he provides. The family you find in God will not leave you behind or forget you. 

Ohana..<3

#Schoolgirl *Updated*

I have a crush. On a boy.

He is adorable, let me tell you. Super sweet, and genuine, and allaroundcute. Just everything that is adorable. Meaning I am able to adore on him.

And I'm finding myself getting giddy. Like giggly and stupid when I think about him. Like a little schoolgirl who has a schoolgirl crush. teehee.

And I talk to my friends about him and we giggle together like a bunch of schoolgirls. (insert many teehee's here.)

Bananas. I am bananas. It has been FOREVER and ever since I've been like this.

And I'm not afraid to admit that I have facebook creeped him a bit. Not in a violating way, but in a way that I want to know what's going on in his life, and I'm a bit too nervous to be like "Oh hey, what did you do today?" or "you have a beautiful family, what kind of shenanigans do you guys get up to??" or even "So what were you doing last summer before I even knew you."

- It's just easier to creep on the facebook

But I'm not a stalker, I promise! We talk and stuff, and I'm pretty sure he knows I like him because, duh, it's me. I'm more transparent than that box mimes are always trying to get out of. (What movie did I just watch with a mime in it, somebody help me! I'm going nutso!)

Anywho, I just wanted everyone to know that I have a crush. On a boy. And I'm ready to admit it. 

For really realzies.

## UPDATE - I will never ever EVER admit that I creep him on facebook. Ever. Even if he asks. Nope, I'm going to tell him that the only thing I've done is bring him into my virtual world of friendship. That's it.

Also, he will herein be known as Boy. Because he can't be boyfriend because technically he's not my boyfriend.  But if you really know me you know I get what I want. Always. :)

#Inspiration Is The Name Of The Game

Remember when I did that reflection of myself in the past year? Really? You don't? It was only like 3 posts ago!

Well would you like to know what I was doing a year ago today?

Crying. Praying. Worrying.

I was scared, I was helpless, I was lost.

I was sending my Daddy in for surgery. What I didn't know would be the first of many to come.

For the months previous he was plagued with pain, with a growth on his face, with the disease that tore his life apart.

My Daddy is the strongest man I know. He is the bravest man I know. When I was little I used to cry in the middle of the night because I thought there was something outside my bedroom door and my Daddy was the only one I would call for. And he would always come. Always. One time I woke up from a bad dream and was scared of a bear in my closet, and so I called for my Daddy and he came up the stairs in full hockey gear ready to take on any bear. It didn't matter what it was, a night time monster, a bear, a bad day, a sprained wrist, a broken heart. Daddy was always there for me.

But the strongest and bravest thing he ever did for me? He came into my life, and saw a little girl silently calling for a Daddy. A daddy who would love her unconditionally, who would hold her hand through all walks of life, who would watch her grow up, and support her every decision. A daddy who would one day walk her down the aisle, who would give her away to a man worth loving his daughter, but who would never stop loving her. Not ever. And he became that. 

For me.

And today I'm looking back, looking at everything my Daddy has gone through in the last year. All the surgeries, all the suffering, all the injustice.
But with it all the faith, all the love, all the friendship.

He didn't deserve this, but he's fighting through it. He is amazing. A fighter. Strong. Brave. Inspiring.

God is good. He has worked through many surgeons and doctors and nurses. He saved my Daddy's life. God has the power to heal. He has the ability to take this illness away from my Daddy. He brought my Daddy into my life and gave him the compassion to love me like his own. God also has a plan. A divine plan. And I have complete faith in it.

Always.

#It's a Brand New Day

It's funny how a little bit of sleep, a little bit of prayer and a little bit of support from the people you love is enough to make everything seem alright.

Today is going to be a great day. 

I am so filled with love and happiness right now, even more than usual. That's a lot for those of you who don't know. I am filled with a new optimism for the people around me. I love every single one of you. Every. Single. One. YAY LOVE! Thank you to everyone who has stopped to talk to me today. You make my days enjoyable. And you all definitely made me smile today!

miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. that's what faith can do. - Kutless

*on a side note, I'm laying in bed typing this and my bowel sounds are out of this world loud!

#Cheekies

I have chubby chipmunk cheekies.

It's not a bad thing. This is not a post looking for everyone to say "Excuse me miss, I do declare your cheekies are super skinny and not chipmunk like" because, in fact, I like my chipmunk cheekies. They are pinch-able and love-able and everything else that is great about chipmunk cheekies. 

This post actually has nothing to do with cheeks though. And it has everything to do with nursing. 

Everytime I step into the hospital I know what is waiting for me. Sick, grumpy people, 8 hour shifts full of standing and walking, blood, vomit, poop, and everything in between, the pressure of holding someone's life in my hands, illness, heartbreak, and sometimes, unfortunately, death. And I can't help but love it. 

Everything about nursing was completely made for me. Helping people? Check. Oodles and oodles of knowledge? Check. Working one on one with people? Check. Having full on conversations about people's poops? Check.

Yep, being a nurse won't be easy, it's not going to be something that will come easily to me all days, it's not something I will leave all the time satisfied with how the day went. But it's what I'm completelyridiculouslyonehundredpercent in love with.

Even when I have to write bajillions of papers. What on earth does writing papers have to do with nursing. This amount of paper writing is ridiculous. 

#Another Week

Dear Motivation,

Please come and hang out with me. I miss you bud! Your annoying Uncle Procrastination has been visiting me frequently, and I'm getting pretty sick of his presence. He is constantly distracting me with stupid things like sleeping when I don't need to, and facebook, and youtube, and shiny things. Seriously. What a jerk. I miss the things we would get done together. You were my drive to get things done early and done well.
No joke. I miss your face.
Come back to me, I will feed you cookies and ice cream. You like that.
And when we're done doing my homework we can play some Zelda. Or Pokemon.
Or we can color. Or play with play doh.
Maybe we'll go and get a Starbucks.
Or maybe we will put worms in my brother's sandwich so we can make fun of him and say he has worms
Or we can dance around my room together while we listen to Selena Gomez. I think that's your favorite.
In all seriousness Motivation, I need you back. Mostly just for the next 3 weeks. After exams you can take the summer off.

Much love always,
The unmotivatedslackingoverwhelmeddepressedreadytobedone student.

#Coulda fooled ya!

April 1 2010 
- unhappily living in a life of denial.
- in an unhealthy relationship with someone completely wrong for me.
- watching someone very close to me suffer with pain and illness.
- internalizing every feeling that fluttered across my heart.

April 1 2011
- happily living a life of fullness and faith.
- learning to cope with things I cannot control.
- pacing myself when it comes to liking guys to make sure I like them for the right reasons.
- writing a blog to make everyone else deal with my feelings.

In the past year I have changed substantially. I've become more of the person I want to be, and less of the person people want me to be. I've stopped obsessing about things I can't control, I've started giving back to my community more, I've learned how to manage my time, and finances, and life in a way that keeps me comfortably content.

But best of all I've started to get to know myself.

NOT Rye - the girlfriend of that guy
NOT Rye - the friend of that person
NOT Rye - the one with the pretty hair
NOT Rye - that girl you met once and put off a good impression but it really has nothing to do with who she really is

But Rye, Mariah Ashley, the person, the daughter of Marj and Terry, sister of Matthew, Jessica, and Samantha, student of the faculty of nursing, follower of Jesus, superstar in the car, slave to homework, master of the 10 second getreadytoleavethehousesupersuperfastbecauseitotallyforgotihadthatthingtodo, spokesperson of beliefs, expander of vocabulary, reporter of useless facts, lover of nature, pioneer of adventures, mind of ideas, embracer of awkward smiles. 


I want to travel the world, I want to make a difference to at least one person. I crave adventure and excitement, I am driven towards all of my goals and have a tendancy to take on too much at once and feel overwhelmed. I turn to my mother for advice, I turn to Jesus for guidance, I turn to my friends for affirmation, I turn to my daddy for validation. I wear yoga pants 9 days out of 10, I work out once every 3 months and complain for a week about how sore I am, I laugh at everything that comes out of my mouth and probably 90% of what comes out of yours. Hugs are my favorite. I'm very emotional, usually happy, but occasionally sad. I eat an abundance of ice cream, and that won't ever change. 


I love pedicures, and panda bears. I think orchids are beautiful. I won't turn my back on the people who love me, and I won't pretend I'm better than anyone else. I cry more when watching a sad movie than I will at my own real life. I ask stupid questions, and occasionally say stupid things, but I really am smart. I hate when people degrade me because of my age or sex. I only like tomatoes in sauces. I exaggerate 125% of things that happen to me. Gardening is the opposite of my forte, in fact, I can kill bamboo. It's a good day if I remember to put makeup on. If not? It's still a good day, just minus the mascara.


In 5 years I want to have a house of my very own that I can call my home, I want to have been on every continent, I want to give back to my community and to the world on a regular basis, I want to write a novel, I want to have a steady job, and I want to be at least started on the second part of my education. I want to know how to scuba dive. I want to build my relationship with God into something I can't even begin to imagine right now. I want to embrace every day that passes with a smile and an openness in my heart to take on whatever happens. 
In 10 years I want to be married with a start on my family, I want to be the mother and wife that my mommy was to me and is to my dad. I want to be financially stable, I want my family to grow up somewhere nice. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be a hypocritical nurse walking around with a donut in my hand. I want to be the person who can make people smile, and never become jaded about the world. I want to look back on the last 10 years and be able to say "I regret nothing."


So in the 60 seconds it took to read this you got to briefly know me as a person. You can choose to love me or hate me or anything in between. But I know who I am, I know where I come from, and I have a good idea of where I'm going. And, for now, that's all I need.

ps I'm aware how self involved this post is, but you read the whole thing and got down to this part so don't deny that you love me! Also, today is April fool's, hence the title of the post, but this was not a drill people. This was the really real thing.