#Fears vs. Dreams Part 2: DREAM

Dream [4. noun - A cherished hope, ambition, aspiration]

Dream - To inspire the hurting

So yesterday....was pretty depressing hey?

Sometimes that happens. Sometimes I'm depressing. Less now than before! But if I kept all my depressing inside all the time I would turn into an angsty teenager again. And nobody wants that. Just ask my mother.

Also - for those of you who don't know the back story of fears vs. dreams here is a very brief description.

But today will be more uplifting hopefully. Yesterday was my biggest fear. Today is my greatest dream.

How do you define your biggest dream? Is it career related? Is it personal? Is it to have a cookie cutter house with a white picket fence and a dog and a minivan filled with little sticky hands? Or is it to see everything God put on this earth? Is it your dream to open a bakery? World peace? Master a cartwheel? How can you pick out of all of your ambitions and choose ONE thing that is most important to you in this life?

My dream is simple. And yet complex.

Because I am nerdy, let's define inspire before we delve into my dream.

Inspire [1. verb - to fill with animating, quickening, or exalting influence]

Remember how I told you before that I'm super conceited? I think that probably has a role in this dream.

You have to be mighty cocky to think that your life can inspire others.

I told you yesterday that I don't think I'm perfect. In any way. I actually am aware of how far from it I am.

For instance, if I was perfect I would probably spend my whole life doing productive things like studying for my registration exam and not writing blog posts and eating entire bags of peanut butter m&ms.

I would also probably drink only water instead of sparkling grapefruit, and lattes and would give thanks every day for the things I have that not everyone else does. Like blankets and brooms and  balls.....eyeballs.

As I'm sure almost everyone knows, my Daddy passed away a little over 2 years ago. And my journey to this point in my life since then has been a struggle, to say the least.

But I've made it. Through some pretty dark days, and darker thoughts I've made it.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to work with people who are in the exact same situation I was in just over 2 years ago. I get to take on a role in their story.

I also am blessed every day that someone divulges their life experiences to me.

Pain is pain. Everyone has experienced it in some form.

My dream is to be a beacon of hope to those people experiencing pain right now.

They don't necessarily have to know the intimate details of my story. They don't even really need to know that I have experienced the pain that I have.

But I want to be such an example of joy that people can't help but know there are better days to come. That the pain and fear and anxiety are temporary. And there is so much happiness to look forward to in the future.

And I know lots of you won't like hearing this - but my joy comes from my God. And my joy is a reflection of how beautiful Our relationship is.

That's my greatest dream. To inspire hope for a better day to those who are struggling today.

#Fears vs. Dreams Part 1: FEAR

Fear [1. noun - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined] 

Fear - not being good enough

"What does that even mean Rye? Not being good enough for what? Not being good enough AT what? Not being good enough for who? That just doesn't make sense. You can't just say that. It's too general and vague and mystical. It's not a real fear. Try again."

Um. Who are you even? It is a real fear.

Dummy.

[PS - it was me. I was the one who wrote that. I'm a dummy. Because I talked to myself in third person. It's sad having no friends. I'm lonely.]

Here's how it goes. 

I typically live my life like an open book. If I have nothing to hide then I won't be upset when people find things out about me. 

Does it mean I don't make mistakes? No. Does it mean I always make good choices? Ha! But for the most part I try to be honest about what goes on in my life, the mistakes and choices I've made, the good the bad and the ugly.

With some discretion. I mean, there are definitely people that I would never indulge my deep dark secrets to, and there are definitely some aspects of myself that I keep holed up for only a few to know. 

But honestly, I like being figuratively [mostly] naked. Because it's freeing and liberating. Much like being literally [mostly] naked. Maybe. I think.

There are a couple drawbacks to people knowing things about your life. The first being that they automatically assume because they know that you've experienced something, they think they know everything about you and your brain and your feelings and your entire life. And to those people I say "Sorry Ms. Jackson. [I am for reeeeeeal] If you haven't walked in my shoes you don't really know much."

But another BIGGER scarier drawback is people have the power to not like you, or to assess you and conclude that you are not good enough to be there. They can genuinely look at you and tell you that you fall short in some aspect of your life because of the things you do, or like, or say.

For instance, if someone were to say something like "Psssssh, you know that girl Rye? She eats so much oatmeal and walks around saying douche baggy things like 'killin it'. What a loser, right?" my brain would go "HA! They don't know anything. They might even like the real me possibly because the things that they used to describe me weren't me at all!"

BUT if someone were to say something like "Hey, you know that girl Rye? I hear she dances around in her kitchen and sings Celine Dion power ballads when nobody is home. And she likes it. What a freak!" my brain would go "Geesh. You don't have to be so mean. What a girl does in the privacy of her own home with nobody around has nothing to do with you. I'm defensive. Also - sad face."

If someone doesn't like me for who I really am, there's no coming back from it. That's who I am. I can't change it. Nor would I.

There's a difference, too, in someone not liking you and someone not believing that you're good enough.

And there is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to have someone give me that look of disappointment. The one that just screams "What are you even doing here? You don't belong in this group of elites."

And it makes me question my own worth every time.

There are so many voices in my life. Some that are supportive. Some that are discouraging. Some that are neutral. There is always going to be someone who will think I'm not good enough. That's just a fact I have to live with. I can't please everyone with my teeny tiny life.

And I guess my fear isn't just that I'm afraid of not being good enough. But that other people's perceptions of my lack of quality will start to distort my own perception of myself.

My fear is believing that I'm not good enough.

#A love story

Hey!

So I have this weird thing where I'm super conceited and think people like knowing things about me. Enough so that I write a blog. About my life. But then people validate my feelings by reading it. So theres that.

I'm going to tell you something so super cool that not a lot of people know about me.

May 14th is my anniversary.

The anniversary of the declaration of my love.

There's this Guy. He's really cool and stuff. The coolest actually. He's the love of my life. No, seriously. He's perfect. He always builds me up, and catches me when I fall. He steers me in the right direction, and holds my hand when I need it. He's so strong. He's carried my guilt and shame, my fears, anxieties, hurts, and worries. Most importantly He loves me. He loves me for all that I am. Even with all my flaws, and shortcomings, and mistakes. Even when I'm an asshole. He just says "Hey, it's ok. People mess up sometimes. I still love you. And I'll always forgive you as long as you love me back."

Awesome, right?! He's the best. Ever. The End. So I did what any sane person would do. 

I locked it down.

On a warm [I think it was actually rainy that day] spring evening, much like the one I will experience tonight, I stood up in front of my family and friends and hundreds of strangers and said "Hi everyone, my name is Mariah and I love this Super Cool Awesome Guy. I know you know Him. His name is Jesus. He's made a nice little home in my heart and I love that He lives there. He makes me a better person, and He makes me feel worth it, and also we have a pretty stellar relationship. And I'm gonna take a little dip in this water and make Jesus/Mariah Soup because I love Him so much. And I want everyone else to know how much I love Him. Also - here's a quote from the bible that I live my life by. The End."

Then I got dunked for Jesus.

Also there was crying and stuff.

AND because My Jesus loves me SO MUCH He gave me a Shelby to get dunked with me!

So we share an anniversary! It's also the annual celebration of the day she went from being a fetus to a neonate [that's actually the grossest thing I've ever said], so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHELBY!

And Shelby and I lived happily ever after with our forever friend, Jesus. [Even though baptism does not = salvation. We learned that in baptizing school.]

The End!!!!!!!!

[side note: I think that is the most times I have written "The End" in one post. Even though this post is kind of about new beginnings. I'm weird.]