#Sometimes I think

about the decisions I make

the company I keep

the activities that occupy my days

and all that has happened since we last spoke.

And I can't help but wonder

Do you approve?

Do you think I'm right or wrong?

Is this enough?

Too much?

Should I change?

Or stay the same?

Would you say yes?

Would you advise me not to?

Would you be mad?

Would you be disappointed?

But the question that really burns in my heart..

Do I make you proud?

#I Thought Of You Today

I thought of you today. I think of you every day.

I think about you in the fall.

When the leaves change colours. When the air becomes crisp and nips at your lungs.

I think of the days you raked leaves into giant piles. And I would jump in.

I think of how proud you were of all of us. For every drawing, painting, or craft we made for you. And every good grade we brought home from school.

I think about you in the winter.

When the snow blankets the ground and the wind turns your blood into icicles.

I think of sitting in the kitchen with our coffee. Laughing about silly things like "whore" frost. Talking about the house you would build me.

I think of building giant snowmen and coming inside soaked to the bone. And hot chocolate with marshmallows.

I think of Christmas morning with blueberry muffins and hot beverages. With six of us exhausted but happy.

I think about you in the spring.

When the snow melts away, and the trees start budding. The air is perfumed with rain and flowers and life.

I think about the day we became one family. You married my mom and accepted me as a daughter.

I think about you cutting grass and flirting with mom through the window.

I think about the day you sat me down because you were worried about me being bullied. And all the confidence you gave me for so many years.

I think about you in the summer. 

When the days are long, and the sun shines down.

I think of you standing at the front of your boat. Floating on the Shuswap. In your own oasis.

I think of you laughing at me the morning after I threw up on a cowboy.

I thought of you today. I think of you every day.

I think about you when I make big decisions, and when I run into obstacles. I think of you when I accomplish something, and when I struggle through the every day challenges. I think of you in the morning when nobody else is awake or home. I think of you in the evening when I sit down to eat supper. I think of you at night when I hear noises outside of my window.

Sometimes the things I miss aren't the big things. It's not always that I need your guidance, or opinion. It's not that you're missing anything special. It's not that I need something built, or fixed, or opened. It's not that I need to be protected or saved.

Sometimes I just miss hearing you walk around the house (like an elephant). Or hearing you talk to the kids. I miss hearing you whistling. Or insisting on touching and playing with anything new and unknown. And your laugh. I really miss hearing you laugh.

I thought of you today. I think of you every day. 

But I know you think of me too.

And that makes tomorrow seem so much brighter.

#Runner's high

Earlier this year I was doing so well with working out and running.

Literally I would be going at least 3-4 times a week.

Then I got lazy. And I haven't been working out nearly as much as I should be.

Liiiiiike never.

But I need to start training for a 10k run in about six weeks. And so out come the running shoes (for my toesies), the watch (to pretend I've made a good time), the headbands (to look the part of an intense worker-outer) and the iPod (because working out with music is so much more pleasant).

And because I love being judged, and because nobody really reads this blog anyway, I'll write out my running playlist (one of them, the one I will be running to later today!)

18 songs
Total workout time - 68:47

Warm up!

Fuego - Pitbull ft. Don Omar (Dj Buddha remix)

Nothing quite gets you fired up and ready for a run like some rap...about fire. Also - I like Pitbull, so sue me! This song get's me pumped up with a quick stretch and walk-to-jog. Time to get down to business.

Run time!

Not Afraid - Eminem

Anger! Rawr! Eminem sets the pace for this run right off the bat. Use his angst, channel every one of your negative feelings and pound them out through your feet. Get it out! Punch the air as you're running if you have to! Use your run to let your frustration flow out of you! Drop your rocks!

Swing - Savage

Who doesn't love this 'Knocked Up' classic!? Remember when they played this like four times a night at the bar a few years ago? Do they still do that? Who knows! Back to your run! Get your inner running slut on and wiggle your hips to the beat of this song. Or don't. But if you don't then you should push yourself harder, and farther. Work for those swing-able hips!

Say My Name - Destiny's Child

Ok. Not going to lie. I love Destiny's Child. And I love this song. And I sing it when I go to karaoke. I actually sing it with two of my friends. And they are both guys! We are one rockin threesome! So I usually practice my harmonies in my head instead of thinking of how much my legs want to give out.

Game On - District 78

Meow! I love this song! When I hear this song I immediately think of Melanie and Sasha being super sexy on the 8th season of So You Think You Can Dance. And every time I think of that dance I think of how sexy I want to be. And this song has the perfect beat for being sexy to ;)

Lights Turned On - Childish Gambino

OMG. Anybody who knows me knows how much I LOVE Childish Gambino. Even when he's Donald Glover. I am going to marry this guy, I swear. Any way, considering someone just called me a "small chick with a fat ass" (or something along those lines. He might have called me a 'tiny girl' but he definitely told me I have a fat ass) it seems fitting that I have this song on my running playlist. Let's all work to be small chicks with....nice butts!

Makeshift Kingdom - Sweatshop Union

Ok, you've been killing it up until now, so I'll give you a bit of a break. Slow down a bit, jog or walk it out, but don't stop. This is a good song, because it has a bit of a slower beat, but starts building up that anger that Eminem was cultivating for us earlier!

You Need Me I Don't Need You - Ed Sheeran

Let's get your feet going again! Pick up the pace to a British ginger singing to you super fast. I know you love accents. And I love Ed Sheeran. More than someone who doesn't really listen to Brit pop probably should like him. Anyway, he has a genius line right at the end of this song about elevators. I'm going to make you listen to the entire song just to hear it. And you should be running while listening. Boom!

Sextasy - East Clubbers

This song makes me want to be sexy. All I picture when running to this song is how sexy I'm going to look all sweaty and fit (That's actually just what I look like in my head, because when I'm sweaty in real life I look like death. And a half.). Eyes on the prize, keep pushing through!

Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind

An oldie, but a goodie!  Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo. No one will judge you if you start dancing a little bit to this one while running. Actually, people will probably judge you, but I won't! I completely understand! It's a dancey running song. Just keep running, it's your safest bet.

Pass That Dutch - Missy Elliot

"Symptoms have been said to be: heavy breathing, wild dancing, coughing. So when you hear the sound HOO DEE HOOOOOO! Run for cover, mother....." Oh ya. I think I have that unknown virus, it's attacking my run. Heavy breathing. wild..running. Coughing. Waiting for the HOO DEE HOOOOO! I don't even want to think about how young I was when this song came out. I was also really fat when this song came out. But I'm not super fat anymore! And this song actually has a great beat to run to. So that's why it's here.

Ghost - Fefe Dobson

Oh Fefe! I can't believe he was cheating on you! What a d-bag! It's a good thing you sing this upbeat song about it! Run through the pain, girl!

Harder To Breathe - Maroon 5

Slow down again! Not all the way, but enough. Let's take it from a 7 or 8 to a 4 or 5. Take a minute to catch your breath, because soon it's going to be harder to breathe ;). Now is the time for some good positive self talk! You're almost there, you can do it! 

Sunrise - Childish Gamino

Double up! Love Childish Gambino, obviously he was going to be on this playlist again. This is my favourite out of all of his songs to run to, hence why it comes right after the break. He makes me want to be better. Even though he's really aggressive and angry in this song. Love him.

Lovestoned (Tiesto Remix) - Justin Timberlake

Normally I'm not a huge fan of Tiesto. Or Justin Timberlake. But for some reason I really enjoy this song. Those flashing lights make me wanna run. I wanna make someone love stoned with my rockin body. From running. Keep running. Running.

Survivor - Destiny's Child

Second last song! You're a survivor. Second double on the list. But honestly, who doesn't love these eccentric ladies?! They can pump you up for just about anything! They survived a break up with some asshole, you can survive the last bit of this run!

Something Happened On The Way To Heaven - Phil Collins

PHIL! PHIL COLLINS! This is it. You are in the home stretch. You can run, and you can hide. But Phil won't leave unless you go with him! This is my all time favourite Phil song. And this is the last song that you run to! Sprint it out, this is when you kill it.

Cool down!

What's Luv? - Fat Joe ft. Ashanti

Yay! You've done it! The last song on my running playlist is always my favourite. Well...this song isn't actually my favourite, I do like it though, and I knew he was a lonely guy who wanted to be on my playlist so I told him he could be my cool down. Because, really, what's love got to do with it?

Song suggestions?! I'd love to hear them!

Much love xo

#Annoying Annual Post

Three and a half years ago our family was a complete functioning unit. By no means were we "picture perfect" - we bickered, we yelled, we rolled our eyes. But at the end of the day we loved each other more than anything and we supported every decision we made. We had parents who loved each other more than anything, and siblings who were closer than best friends.

On April 19 2010 our entire lives were turned upside down, our loving father and husband Terry was diagnosed with a rare form of sinus cancer. He fought hard and courageously, undergoing life changing surgeries, intense chemotherapy, and agonizing radiation, all the while staying positive and counting all the blessings God had given him. 



On May 7 2011, we said our final goodbye to Terry. Today, we stand strong as a family of five, using our brokenness to bring us closer together. Not a day passes by where we don't wish we still had a loving Husband and Daddy, but not a moment passes where we aren't thankful for every moment we had with him. 



We have felt the cold, cruel touch of cancer, and we wish this pain upon no person or family. So in Terry's memory, the five of us, along with close family and friends, will raise money and run or walk to find a cure for cancer. Please support us in our endeavour to kick cancer's ass!

Click me!! Click me to donate!!

#Roaming Through The Night To Find My Place In This World

Some days I feel just as broken as the day I sat beside you in that hospital room, coaxing you to let go.

Just as hurt.

And lost.

And alone.

And helpless.

Some days I feel like I have nothing to offer.

Like I can't help people.

Like I've lost my meaning.

And I know it's just some days. And that it will pass.

But today is one of those days.

Today I'm broken.

And alone.

And hurt.

And breathless.

And apparently really depressing.

But tomorrow is a new day. With new hope. And new feelings.

It needs to be tomorrow. Right now.

#My president is black, and my Prius is blue.

I just want everyone to know that -

Most healthcare providers top priorities while you are sick in the hospital are:

a) find out why you are there
b) fix the reason you are there
c) get you out of there

And my top priority while you are sick in the hospital is:

a) make your unit one giant blanket fort

Oops.

I may need to grow up a little bit.

#Bubble Wrap

Everyone knows how much I fucking hate cancer. Well there's something I hate almost as much. And that's dim wit's telling me that everything in the world could possibly cause it. Here's to you, assholes!

Dear everyonelecturingmeaboutwhatcausescancer,

Kindly shut up.

I know what causes cancer. My dad actually died from cancer. It wasn't caused by genetics, it was acquired. The doctors don't know WHAT caused it, but unfortunately it happened. Don't tell me that I shouldn't be drinking my favourite tea because it's possibly carcinogenic.

Here's a list of everyday things that cause cancer:

- Sunshine
- Red meat
- Cell phones
- Alcohol
- Exercise
- Diet soda's
- Birth control
- Deodorant
- Olive oil
- Peanuts
- Sex
- Tea
- Hair dye
- Microwaves
- Breathing
- Sunscreen
- Water bottles
- Coffee
- Margarine
- Saran wrap
- Obesity

That's just to name a few.

Here's a list of everything that is 100% proven to prevent cancer.

-

Ya. I know.

Sunshine causes cancer, but also provides you with natural vitamin D which prevents cancer. Exercise produces free radicals in your body which cause cancer, but it staves off obesity which also causes cancer. Alcohol causes cancer but red wine has antioxidants that help prevent cancer. Blueberries prevent cancer, but diet's high in fruits can be dangerous to your health in other ways.

There's nothing wrong with trying to prevent getting cancer, but at the end of the day you still have to live your life. Don't stop drinking beer, having sex, and working out because taking part in those activities could possibly cause cancer.

You want to know what you should do instead of worrying about every little thing that could be carcinogenic?

Eat vegetables. Take vitamins. Exercise. Drink water. Relax. Brush your teeth. Live a life that's happy and healthy.

And the next time you feel like you need to share with me that my lipstick causes cancer, so I should colour them with berries instead....shut the fuck up. I wasn't asking.

#A giant order of depressing, with a side of hope.

One year ago today I stood crammed into a little room, right beside the strongest man in my life, surrounded by people and love, and eased him from secular life to forever.

I sat beside my Daddy in his last hours of life, cried into his blankets, held his hand one last time, and whispered my last "I love you's", "Thank you's", and "Goodbye's".

I spent the better part of today feeling sorry for myself. Crying because life isn't fair, and I miss having a Daddy.

And then I got this text from a very very special friend:

"Hey little ryry, sorry I've had a busy day. I just want you to know how much I care for and appreciate you. In the short time I've known you, you've taught me so much about myself, perseverance, and putting someone else before yourself. Your dad was an amazing, caring man. He had to have been to raise you. And today he is smiling down on you and your family, proud of how far you've all come, and excited for all your days to come. I adore you, you have been such a blessing to me, and I'll continue to pray for you guys. Call if you need me."

And as sweet as it was to get that message it really got me thinking.

One year ago I lost someone very dear to me. The pain of losing him hasn't gone away, but it's gotten easier to live my day to day life. The loss isn't as suffocating as it once was, but instead is a dull throb that beats with my heart.

This is not to say that I don't miss my Daddy. Because I do. With all my heart. And if this was a perfect world he would still be here with me and my family.

But looking back on my relationship with him I can't help but feel so so blessed that I had him in my life, even for a short while. I can live my life knowing my Daddy was proud of everything that I accomplished, that he always thought I was beautiful, and that he will always love me.

So, no. Today I do not have a Daddy to come home to. I do not have a Daddy to curl up on the couch and watch hockey with. I do not have a Daddy to have a morning coffee with. I do not have a Daddy who tries to steer me clear of bad situations, who gets upset with me, who laughs at me, and who tells me he loves me.

But today I do have a strong, caring, brother. Two sweet, beautiful, sisters. The most amazing mother, and best friend. Countless family and friends who provide endless support. A God who loves me. And my own Daddy-angel. One who protects me and my heart. One who always put our family first. One who is saving us all a seat on his giant fishing boat in heaven.

So I guess there's nothing to complain about. I guess I'm pretty blessed. 

#Papers and things.

Professor - "This is not the kind of term paper you can write the night before."

Rye - "Challenge accepted."

#Results

I have weird God moments.

I was in a grumpy, pouty, unmotivatey mood this morning.

I was supposed to go to the gym. But I didn't really want to.

Because who goes to the gym on a Saturday morning?! I personally would like to be watching cartoons.

Anyway, in my grumpy, pouty, unmotivatey mood I went to talk to my mom. 

And she made me smiley, and laughy, and motivatey. 

Even though I mostly just complained about how I could work out for a bajillion hours and still look the same, and weigh the same, and be the same. 

BUT! Being a nurse I decided to take the healthy route and workout.

On my way to the gym I started to get frustrated again, and ended up just sitting outside the doors for 10 minutes because I really REALLY didn't feel like working out. People in gyms are so judgey.

And for some strange reason every time I've worked out at this gym there is a super in shape old man who likes to compare himself to me.

And I lose.

By a lot.

And it wouldn't matter if I did or didn't workout. Nothing would change.

I mustered up enough motivation to get out of my car. But I was back to my grumpy pouty unmotivated mood.

I smiled at the sweet receptionist lady at the entrance and gave her my keys. I pretended to not be grumpy because I am working out for what appears to be no reason.

Then I said a small prayer. Just like the ones I have been saying pretty much non-stop every time I look in a mirror. It kinda went like this "Hey God, I'm working out and being healthy. But I would appreciate if You could make it LOOK like I'm working out and being healthy. Cause why wouldn't You help me look like I'm working out when I ACTUALLY AM WORKING OUT! Just tell me why! Amen."

Receptionist lady signed me in with the tag on my keychain then hands me my keys, looks up at me and smiles.

"I really like swiping you in on the key card right next to your Denny's loyalty membership!"

Damn it. 

#Push Through

The minute you feel like giving up

Think of the reason you held on for so long

#Build me up, Buttercup

As of Saturday I have been blogging for one year.

A whole year!

With some of the most depressing stuff you'll ever read.

Because I'm super depressing.

Hm. Oh well! Moving on..

I bet you think I've been super busy with my super busy life for the last 3 weeks because I have blogged zero times. But I definitely was not. I was definitely laying in bed eating ice cream and grilled cheese's getting fatter than holy hell. I just had nothing to write about!

But luckily for you guys I now have a topic to indulge you in!

Kissing.

It's weird, right?!

Who came up with kissing? Who decided one day "(S)he has a very supple looking lips. I want to take my mouth and touch it with his/hers."

And beyond that who decided to open their mouth while kissing?!

Call me 13, but french kissing is super gross. And I'm pretty sure I suck at it.

The germaphobe in me can't get over how much bacteria lives in your mouth. And you are transferring that to my mouth. Also - microscopic bits of the nachos you just ate, which, I'll be honest, I love nachos, but I don't really like them partially digested and transferred via saliva.

Not that my mouth is free of germs or nachos, but you get the point.

And how do you tell someone "Hey...it's not that you're not an awesome person or anything it's just....you suffocate me when we have oral relations [I just realized how terrible that sounds, but I firmly believe in not deleting anything after I write it. So take me as I am.]." or "My mouth is not a carrot, there is no need to get so much teeth involved." or "That was nice....can I offer you a Tic Tac?"

You don't. And when someone asks you if they're a good kisser you say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."

There's no winning.

I'm also very aware that I have terrible kissing etiquette. I don't always close my eyes [unless I'm tired. Then I close my eyes. But then I get sleepy so I open those suckers right back up]. I don't stare, but I don't close them.

I also like to think about other things. Like "Hm. I wonder what's on sale at Wal Mart this week, I'm hoping to get a good deal on shampoo." or "What was the name of that song I really like...? Well, it's by Phil Collins, obviously. 'There's a girl that's been on my miiiiiiiind, all the tiiiiime'....OH NO! Did I just hum that out loud?" or "I would rather be looking up mental illnesses I have in the DSM."

And when I do think about kissing while I'm actually kissing it mostly goes like this "OMG! Seriously! Are we not done this yet?! You want to keep doing it?? Really? You are going to make my lips chappy. Then who's going to kiss me? You. You will. I will make you, because it's your fault that I now have chappy lips."

And what if your lips are opposite sizes? I worry about this a lot, because I have abnormally large lips. They aren't 'pouty' or 'full' they are 'giant'. I can't wear lip gloss because I look like a clown. If my lips wore jeans they would definitely be wearing plus sizes. If someone punched me in the mouth they wouldn't call the resulting swell "fat lip" they would call it "morbidly obese lip"

So chances are when I kiss people who do not also have 'giant' lips, feel like they are drowning when I kiss them. Wicked.

Anyway, now that I've written that all down I can clearly see why I do not have a boyfriend.

And I'll be honest, I'm 90-100% sure I'm a bad kisser. I suppose if I really wanted to know I could ask someone I've kissed. But they'll probably say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."

#Sober January - The Conclusion

I just wanna say thank you to everyone who supported me through sober January.

I'm aware there are 2 more days in sober January, but it's Monday and Tuesday. I'm pretty much done.

Let me tell you some of the things I've done instead of getting sloshed all month:

- went through withdrawal....haaaaaaaaaaa kidding.
- painted pottery
- showed up to church...not hungover
- got a gym membership
- worked out....twice
- only lost fat on my boobs when I worked out
- talked about working out more
- finished all my homework on time
- went out dancing [not as much fun sober, I'll be honest]
- went out for wings.....and iced tea
- dealt with my grief
- watched a buttload of movies
- watched another buttload of documentaries...and learned lots!
- bought myself the converse shoes I've been wanting for EVER
- bought myself a lot of things I can't afford actually...
- Just kidding. I can afford the things I bought!
- mostly..
- started using the term 'ghetto fabulous'
- learned about babies and pregnancy
- went on dates with hot guys...who turned out to be hot dad's with a touch of crazy
- discovered new delicious [non-alcoholic] drinks!
- showed up to class on time every day one week! [Almost, I was like 2 minutes late one day....but I don't think I've been on time every day since first year. I'm getting there!]
- posted on my nursey blog [don't click that link if you have man parts, I'm warning you...]
- ate a lot of McDonald's.....more than one should ever consume in a month....
- was stalked by my ex-boyfriend's best friend
- shot a bow and arrow
- drank a lot of tea
- went bowling
- ate Zeller's lunch
- watched the entire first season of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
- cuddled babies
- finished a crossword with my laaaaaaaaadies [literally the first time I have ever finished a crossword]
- ate healthy! When I wasn't eating McDonald's....
- skyped with my Mom
- met a guy who looks like Steve Aoki
- organized my entire semester
- went for Chinese breakfast with my fam!
- had lunches with my Sister Wife
- saw some of my bestest best friends!
- had my faith in medicine reinstated
- worked....kinda

Other than all that.....I just sat at home and didn't have a life. I know. I'm super exciting.

And it actually took me like a hundred million hours to come up with that list.

Moral of the story - Alcohol in moderation makes for a good life. 

#Never good enough

I hate how easy it is for me to feel inadequate.

I hate that I can lay in bed and cry for hours over something that meant nothing  obviously a little bit  a ginormous amount  nothing to me.

Not because I'm sad about it,

But because I feel like I'm not good enough.

Because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I spend my days comparing myself to the people around me, and knowing I won't ever be the smartest, or funniest, or prettiest, or skinniest, or the most talented, or the most politically aware, or the sweetest, or nicest, or cutest, or bravest, or gentlest, or the most committed, or the most accomplished.

Not the most anything, just somewhere in the middle, all the time.

It sucks to know you'll always be second best.

And it sucks even more feeling completely worthless.

I shouldn't depend on other people for validation.

And I shouldn't let things other people do affect my self image this much.

But I do. 

And at this point I'm just ready to give up.

#In a world of darkness, You are my light

Jesus......take the wheel.

I'm trusting that if this is for You, You will make this happen.

I am forever Yours.

#Muddy Tracks

Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my love life on purpose.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm old and alone [except in the context of my church. Because at my church if you are in your twenties and not married you are lame and if you are in your twenties without a steady boyfriend you are a crazy cat lady who has borderline personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. Because that's the only reason you'd still be alone. Seriously.].

It's just that I tend to lean towards guys who don't fit my lifestyle. Because they're safe.

Boys who have no goals, or no ambition, or who drag my work ethic down, or who aren't Christian, or who tear my self esteem to shreds,  or who just want my body, or who I know for a fact won't ever do any better than me.

In the history of my dating life I've either gone for guys who treat me like crap, and try my very hardest to please them in every way; or guys who are safe. Guys that I could care for, but cared for me more. Guys who put me up on a pedestal I didn't deserve. Guys I would love, but not be in love with.

And now I'm stuck. Between what I know is right for me and what is safe.

There's a boy that I feel like is way out of my league, and I could never ever get, and a boy that I know likes me, and I like him, so I might as well just do it.

I read an article recently that said that you should date people equally as attractive as you are, but that girls should date guys whom they think are more attractive than they are and guys should date girls whom they think are less attractive than they are. [Because girls are the biggest bitches to themselves, and boys have over inflated egos. Typical.] And that if you end up in a relationship with someone of equal attractiveness, the relationship is more likely to work out [Because apparently beautiful people are only capable of loving other beautiful people. And themselves.]

It makes sense. Sometimes I look at my friends and I'm like "How did he score her, seriously?" or "Ew. She can do so much better." Rarely is it ever the other way around. [Because boys think they are some kind of sexy, and girls think they are fat. Or something.] And I know that I think that way about myself.

I literally crawled into my mom's bed yesterday and this is what I said:

"I just can't believe a guy like that would ask me out."

And she said:

"Why? I can."

Typical mom, right? Typical "You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you have so much to offer, you're my offspring so obviously you're perfectly perfect and nobody is really good enough for you because you're pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to mankind." type of deal. 

But what if this guy and I are equal on all [or most] playing fields and I'm just scared of being rejected?

Maybe I'll just get liposuction and a boob job and then I can get ANYONE!

Moral of the story - Boob jobs score you hotter guys.

#Once in a while

Sometimes you crawl into bed at 10:30PM and are super proud of everything you have accomplished during the day, and are excited for a good night's rest.

Sometimes you watch power rangers on netflix from 10:30 until 11:00 when you finally fall asleep.

Sometimes you accidentally wake up at 2:30 in the morning because you had a bad dream.

Sometimes when you wake up at 2:30 in the morning you get up to pee because you think maybe if you relieve your bladder you will be able to sleep.

Sometimes when you're up to pee at 2:30 in the morning you turn on the bathroom light because you would fall on your face if you didn't.

Sometimes you get back into bed after your 2:30 AM pee and regret every decision you made up until that point because now you are wide awake.

Sometimes after you are wide awake from your 2:30 AM pee you send messages to all the people who messaged you while you were sleeping.

Sometimes after you message people at 2:30 in the morning you get bored of waiting for a response so you start watching more power rangers on netflix.

Sometimes after 4 episodes of power rangers you realize you are literally watching the exact same story line over and over and decide to watch a movie.

Sometimes while browsing for movie you come across a different TV show called life unexpected and decide to try it out.

Sometimes after watching 3 episodes of life unexpected - which turned out to be a terrible show with lots of good looking people - your alarm goes off and angrily tells you it's time to get up for school.

Sometimes after getting up and getting ready for school you look out the window and see a fresh blanket of snow on the ground and think "Teehee! Winter's here!"

Sometimes after getting in your car to go to school you drive for half an hour just to make it 3 block from your house.

Sometimes you just have to say "Screw this day" turn around, go home, nap, drink tea, eat grilled cheese, and do some 'independent reading'.

Today just happened to be one of those days.

Jan 10:Day 10 - my day was just described up there. In my blog post. Right there! #soberjanuary #obivouslyobvious

#Never gonna give you up

Jan 4:Day 4 - wandered around Salmon arm with my FBF and my sisters.

Conversations with the best friend:

Jan 5:Day 5 - Came home. Ate half of a Pizza Hut pizza. Probably the reason I felt sick for the next 24 hours. #soberjanuary #sogross














"We're just on different wavelengths..."
"RIAAHHH!"
"He made rape jokes all night...it was weird.."
"Really? That is weird."
"Ya. Even after I told him it's like my biggest fear, ever."
"Obviously he doesn't have experience hanging out with girls."
"He says he does. Like he's had girlfriends before and stuff."
"Well....were they normal girls, or girls who think rape is funny?"

That is the reason I love you the most. 

Jan 6:Day 6 - Went shopping with K Ruhls. Finally bought the grey Chucks I've been talking about forever! #soberjanuary #impulsebuyer

"Did you put water in the bucket?"
"No.....how do you do that?"


That is reason I am the only one who loves you the most..

Jan 7:Day 7 - first Saturday of the year. Saw Sheebs, worked, then went out for pub food and iced tea. #soberjanuary
















"Stop farting in my bed or I'm gonna come over there and cuddle you!!"
"Hey! It's my half of the bed!!"
"It's my whole bed!!"
"Well..you did it first!!"

That is the reason boys don't love us..

Jan 8:Day 8 - Lazy churchy and junkfoody day. #soberjanuary #iloveicecream

"I always had a crush on the black one. And kinda the red one."
"Hey! There's a green one too! He's the hottest!"
"Ew. No. He is gross."
"Hahah I think he's hot."
"I lied. I wanna sit on his beautiful face."

That is the reason we watch power rangers.

Jan 9:Day 9 - First day back at school means a night of homework and organization (because I was not a good enough student to do it before the semester started..) #soberjanuary #immabeanurse














"Then she blew him a kiss!"
"I would have been like: HEY! That's super rude! Stop loving your boyfriend! Don't you know I'm alone?!"

That is the reason we have no other friends.

#Growingup

 Jan 1:Day 1 - I was super hungover so I laid in bed and watched movies and drank fluids and ate cheese all day. #beginningofsoberjanuary









I decided to do sober January.

And I'm sticking to it. Because I am growing up and I need to stand by my decisions. And stuff.

See.....I've had a bit of a problem lately. In the alcohol area.

And by "problem" I mean I was getting slammed 3-4 times a week. Every week.

Which could not be a problem. It could be a party. Depending on how you look at it.

But considering I have probably destroyed my liver, and my savings fund, and my good girl somewhat reputable reputation, I think it was a problem.

And using my nursing critical thinking skills I came up with a solution.

Sober January - no alcohol for an entire month.

Jan 2:Day 2 - No longer hungover; went to town, ate Boston Pizza, went bowling, later ate ice cream, and cookie dough while watching the worst movie of all time. #soberjanuary













Best idea ever?

or worst idea ever?

I don't know.

I guess I'll find out.

I know I can do it, regardless of if it's a good idea or not.

Especially with the support I've been receiving from all of my amazing friends and family.

You just know it's bad when you were waking up with a hangover and regret more than twice a week.

You also know it's bad when you get drunk enough to tell some unknown guy that you were "the hottest bitch in this club" 

And when you go tell your friends you were dancing with a black guy.....only to find out he was blonde. With blue eyes. And pasty skin.

And when you call and text your exboyfriend 16 times just to tell him you're "over him"

This has become my life.

Also, I would like to point out this is not a new year's resolution. It is not sober 2012, it is sober January. 

And besides, my liver needs a rest before the extreme bender known as FBF's birthday - in February.

I have nothing more to say about this subject that breaks my heart.

My name it Mariah,  and I am not addicted to alcohol. However, I feel like a recovering addict rereading this post. Hm. We'll see. 

Jan 3:Day 3 - Laid in bed and watched movies including the best movie of all time - The Outsiders. Went to town, got our skates sharpened, ate sushi, came home and packed to go home. Then blogged. #staygoldponyboy #soberjanuary