#Fears vs. Dreams Part 1: FEAR

Fear [1. noun - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined] 

Fear - not being good enough

"What does that even mean Rye? Not being good enough for what? Not being good enough AT what? Not being good enough for who? That just doesn't make sense. You can't just say that. It's too general and vague and mystical. It's not a real fear. Try again."

Um. Who are you even? It is a real fear.

Dummy.

[PS - it was me. I was the one who wrote that. I'm a dummy. Because I talked to myself in third person. It's sad having no friends. I'm lonely.]

Here's how it goes. 

I typically live my life like an open book. If I have nothing to hide then I won't be upset when people find things out about me. 

Does it mean I don't make mistakes? No. Does it mean I always make good choices? Ha! But for the most part I try to be honest about what goes on in my life, the mistakes and choices I've made, the good the bad and the ugly.

With some discretion. I mean, there are definitely people that I would never indulge my deep dark secrets to, and there are definitely some aspects of myself that I keep holed up for only a few to know. 

But honestly, I like being figuratively [mostly] naked. Because it's freeing and liberating. Much like being literally [mostly] naked. Maybe. I think.

There are a couple drawbacks to people knowing things about your life. The first being that they automatically assume because they know that you've experienced something, they think they know everything about you and your brain and your feelings and your entire life. And to those people I say "Sorry Ms. Jackson. [I am for reeeeeeal] If you haven't walked in my shoes you don't really know much."

But another BIGGER scarier drawback is people have the power to not like you, or to assess you and conclude that you are not good enough to be there. They can genuinely look at you and tell you that you fall short in some aspect of your life because of the things you do, or like, or say.

For instance, if someone were to say something like "Psssssh, you know that girl Rye? She eats so much oatmeal and walks around saying douche baggy things like 'killin it'. What a loser, right?" my brain would go "HA! They don't know anything. They might even like the real me possibly because the things that they used to describe me weren't me at all!"

BUT if someone were to say something like "Hey, you know that girl Rye? I hear she dances around in her kitchen and sings Celine Dion power ballads when nobody is home. And she likes it. What a freak!" my brain would go "Geesh. You don't have to be so mean. What a girl does in the privacy of her own home with nobody around has nothing to do with you. I'm defensive. Also - sad face."

If someone doesn't like me for who I really am, there's no coming back from it. That's who I am. I can't change it. Nor would I.

There's a difference, too, in someone not liking you and someone not believing that you're good enough.

And there is nothing more heartbreaking to me than to have someone give me that look of disappointment. The one that just screams "What are you even doing here? You don't belong in this group of elites."

And it makes me question my own worth every time.

There are so many voices in my life. Some that are supportive. Some that are discouraging. Some that are neutral. There is always going to be someone who will think I'm not good enough. That's just a fact I have to live with. I can't please everyone with my teeny tiny life.

And I guess my fear isn't just that I'm afraid of not being good enough. But that other people's perceptions of my lack of quality will start to distort my own perception of myself.

My fear is believing that I'm not good enough.