#In a world of darkness, You are my light

Jesus......take the wheel.

I'm trusting that if this is for You, You will make this happen.

I am forever Yours.

#Muddy Tracks

Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my love life on purpose.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm old and alone [except in the context of my church. Because at my church if you are in your twenties and not married you are lame and if you are in your twenties without a steady boyfriend you are a crazy cat lady who has borderline personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. Because that's the only reason you'd still be alone. Seriously.].

It's just that I tend to lean towards guys who don't fit my lifestyle. Because they're safe.

Boys who have no goals, or no ambition, or who drag my work ethic down, or who aren't Christian, or who tear my self esteem to shreds,  or who just want my body, or who I know for a fact won't ever do any better than me.

In the history of my dating life I've either gone for guys who treat me like crap, and try my very hardest to please them in every way; or guys who are safe. Guys that I could care for, but cared for me more. Guys who put me up on a pedestal I didn't deserve. Guys I would love, but not be in love with.

And now I'm stuck. Between what I know is right for me and what is safe.

There's a boy that I feel like is way out of my league, and I could never ever get, and a boy that I know likes me, and I like him, so I might as well just do it.

I read an article recently that said that you should date people equally as attractive as you are, but that girls should date guys whom they think are more attractive than they are and guys should date girls whom they think are less attractive than they are. [Because girls are the biggest bitches to themselves, and boys have over inflated egos. Typical.] And that if you end up in a relationship with someone of equal attractiveness, the relationship is more likely to work out [Because apparently beautiful people are only capable of loving other beautiful people. And themselves.]

It makes sense. Sometimes I look at my friends and I'm like "How did he score her, seriously?" or "Ew. She can do so much better." Rarely is it ever the other way around. [Because boys think they are some kind of sexy, and girls think they are fat. Or something.] And I know that I think that way about myself.

I literally crawled into my mom's bed yesterday and this is what I said:

"I just can't believe a guy like that would ask me out."

And she said:

"Why? I can."

Typical mom, right? Typical "You're beautiful, you're wonderful, you have so much to offer, you're my offspring so obviously you're perfectly perfect and nobody is really good enough for you because you're pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to mankind." type of deal. 

But what if this guy and I are equal on all [or most] playing fields and I'm just scared of being rejected?

Maybe I'll just get liposuction and a boob job and then I can get ANYONE!

Moral of the story - Boob jobs score you hotter guys.

#Once in a while

Sometimes you crawl into bed at 10:30PM and are super proud of everything you have accomplished during the day, and are excited for a good night's rest.

Sometimes you watch power rangers on netflix from 10:30 until 11:00 when you finally fall asleep.

Sometimes you accidentally wake up at 2:30 in the morning because you had a bad dream.

Sometimes when you wake up at 2:30 in the morning you get up to pee because you think maybe if you relieve your bladder you will be able to sleep.

Sometimes when you're up to pee at 2:30 in the morning you turn on the bathroom light because you would fall on your face if you didn't.

Sometimes you get back into bed after your 2:30 AM pee and regret every decision you made up until that point because now you are wide awake.

Sometimes after you are wide awake from your 2:30 AM pee you send messages to all the people who messaged you while you were sleeping.

Sometimes after you message people at 2:30 in the morning you get bored of waiting for a response so you start watching more power rangers on netflix.

Sometimes after 4 episodes of power rangers you realize you are literally watching the exact same story line over and over and decide to watch a movie.

Sometimes while browsing for movie you come across a different TV show called life unexpected and decide to try it out.

Sometimes after watching 3 episodes of life unexpected - which turned out to be a terrible show with lots of good looking people - your alarm goes off and angrily tells you it's time to get up for school.

Sometimes after getting up and getting ready for school you look out the window and see a fresh blanket of snow on the ground and think "Teehee! Winter's here!"

Sometimes after getting in your car to go to school you drive for half an hour just to make it 3 block from your house.

Sometimes you just have to say "Screw this day" turn around, go home, nap, drink tea, eat grilled cheese, and do some 'independent reading'.

Today just happened to be one of those days.

Jan 10:Day 10 - my day was just described up there. In my blog post. Right there! #soberjanuary #obivouslyobvious

#Never gonna give you up

Jan 4:Day 4 - wandered around Salmon arm with my FBF and my sisters.

Conversations with the best friend:

Jan 5:Day 5 - Came home. Ate half of a Pizza Hut pizza. Probably the reason I felt sick for the next 24 hours. #soberjanuary #sogross














"We're just on different wavelengths..."
"RIAAHHH!"
"He made rape jokes all night...it was weird.."
"Really? That is weird."
"Ya. Even after I told him it's like my biggest fear, ever."
"Obviously he doesn't have experience hanging out with girls."
"He says he does. Like he's had girlfriends before and stuff."
"Well....were they normal girls, or girls who think rape is funny?"

That is the reason I love you the most. 

Jan 6:Day 6 - Went shopping with K Ruhls. Finally bought the grey Chucks I've been talking about forever! #soberjanuary #impulsebuyer

"Did you put water in the bucket?"
"No.....how do you do that?"


That is reason I am the only one who loves you the most..

Jan 7:Day 7 - first Saturday of the year. Saw Sheebs, worked, then went out for pub food and iced tea. #soberjanuary
















"Stop farting in my bed or I'm gonna come over there and cuddle you!!"
"Hey! It's my half of the bed!!"
"It's my whole bed!!"
"Well..you did it first!!"

That is the reason boys don't love us..

Jan 8:Day 8 - Lazy churchy and junkfoody day. #soberjanuary #iloveicecream

"I always had a crush on the black one. And kinda the red one."
"Hey! There's a green one too! He's the hottest!"
"Ew. No. He is gross."
"Hahah I think he's hot."
"I lied. I wanna sit on his beautiful face."

That is the reason we watch power rangers.

Jan 9:Day 9 - First day back at school means a night of homework and organization (because I was not a good enough student to do it before the semester started..) #soberjanuary #immabeanurse














"Then she blew him a kiss!"
"I would have been like: HEY! That's super rude! Stop loving your boyfriend! Don't you know I'm alone?!"

That is the reason we have no other friends.

#Growingup

 Jan 1:Day 1 - I was super hungover so I laid in bed and watched movies and drank fluids and ate cheese all day. #beginningofsoberjanuary









I decided to do sober January.

And I'm sticking to it. Because I am growing up and I need to stand by my decisions. And stuff.

See.....I've had a bit of a problem lately. In the alcohol area.

And by "problem" I mean I was getting slammed 3-4 times a week. Every week.

Which could not be a problem. It could be a party. Depending on how you look at it.

But considering I have probably destroyed my liver, and my savings fund, and my good girl somewhat reputable reputation, I think it was a problem.

And using my nursing critical thinking skills I came up with a solution.

Sober January - no alcohol for an entire month.

Jan 2:Day 2 - No longer hungover; went to town, ate Boston Pizza, went bowling, later ate ice cream, and cookie dough while watching the worst movie of all time. #soberjanuary













Best idea ever?

or worst idea ever?

I don't know.

I guess I'll find out.

I know I can do it, regardless of if it's a good idea or not.

Especially with the support I've been receiving from all of my amazing friends and family.

You just know it's bad when you were waking up with a hangover and regret more than twice a week.

You also know it's bad when you get drunk enough to tell some unknown guy that you were "the hottest bitch in this club" 

And when you go tell your friends you were dancing with a black guy.....only to find out he was blonde. With blue eyes. And pasty skin.

And when you call and text your exboyfriend 16 times just to tell him you're "over him"

This has become my life.

Also, I would like to point out this is not a new year's resolution. It is not sober 2012, it is sober January. 

And besides, my liver needs a rest before the extreme bender known as FBF's birthday - in February.

I have nothing more to say about this subject that breaks my heart.

My name it Mariah,  and I am not addicted to alcohol. However, I feel like a recovering addict rereading this post. Hm. We'll see. 

Jan 3:Day 3 - Laid in bed and watched movies including the best movie of all time - The Outsiders. Went to town, got our skates sharpened, ate sushi, came home and packed to go home. Then blogged. #staygoldponyboy #soberjanuary