#Results

I have weird God moments.

I was in a grumpy, pouty, unmotivatey mood this morning.

I was supposed to go to the gym. But I didn't really want to.

Because who goes to the gym on a Saturday morning?! I personally would like to be watching cartoons.

Anyway, in my grumpy, pouty, unmotivatey mood I went to talk to my mom. 

And she made me smiley, and laughy, and motivatey. 

Even though I mostly just complained about how I could work out for a bajillion hours and still look the same, and weigh the same, and be the same. 

BUT! Being a nurse I decided to take the healthy route and workout.

On my way to the gym I started to get frustrated again, and ended up just sitting outside the doors for 10 minutes because I really REALLY didn't feel like working out. People in gyms are so judgey.

And for some strange reason every time I've worked out at this gym there is a super in shape old man who likes to compare himself to me.

And I lose.

By a lot.

And it wouldn't matter if I did or didn't workout. Nothing would change.

I mustered up enough motivation to get out of my car. But I was back to my grumpy pouty unmotivated mood.

I smiled at the sweet receptionist lady at the entrance and gave her my keys. I pretended to not be grumpy because I am working out for what appears to be no reason.

Then I said a small prayer. Just like the ones I have been saying pretty much non-stop every time I look in a mirror. It kinda went like this "Hey God, I'm working out and being healthy. But I would appreciate if You could make it LOOK like I'm working out and being healthy. Cause why wouldn't You help me look like I'm working out when I ACTUALLY AM WORKING OUT! Just tell me why! Amen."

Receptionist lady signed me in with the tag on my keychain then hands me my keys, looks up at me and smiles.

"I really like swiping you in on the key card right next to your Denny's loyalty membership!"

Damn it. 

#Push Through

The minute you feel like giving up

Think of the reason you held on for so long

#Build me up, Buttercup

As of Saturday I have been blogging for one year.

A whole year!

With some of the most depressing stuff you'll ever read.

Because I'm super depressing.

Hm. Oh well! Moving on..

I bet you think I've been super busy with my super busy life for the last 3 weeks because I have blogged zero times. But I definitely was not. I was definitely laying in bed eating ice cream and grilled cheese's getting fatter than holy hell. I just had nothing to write about!

But luckily for you guys I now have a topic to indulge you in!

Kissing.

It's weird, right?!

Who came up with kissing? Who decided one day "(S)he has a very supple looking lips. I want to take my mouth and touch it with his/hers."

And beyond that who decided to open their mouth while kissing?!

Call me 13, but french kissing is super gross. And I'm pretty sure I suck at it.

The germaphobe in me can't get over how much bacteria lives in your mouth. And you are transferring that to my mouth. Also - microscopic bits of the nachos you just ate, which, I'll be honest, I love nachos, but I don't really like them partially digested and transferred via saliva.

Not that my mouth is free of germs or nachos, but you get the point.

And how do you tell someone "Hey...it's not that you're not an awesome person or anything it's just....you suffocate me when we have oral relations [I just realized how terrible that sounds, but I firmly believe in not deleting anything after I write it. So take me as I am.]." or "My mouth is not a carrot, there is no need to get so much teeth involved." or "That was nice....can I offer you a Tic Tac?"

You don't. And when someone asks you if they're a good kisser you say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."

There's no winning.

I'm also very aware that I have terrible kissing etiquette. I don't always close my eyes [unless I'm tired. Then I close my eyes. But then I get sleepy so I open those suckers right back up]. I don't stare, but I don't close them.

I also like to think about other things. Like "Hm. I wonder what's on sale at Wal Mart this week, I'm hoping to get a good deal on shampoo." or "What was the name of that song I really like...? Well, it's by Phil Collins, obviously. 'There's a girl that's been on my miiiiiiiind, all the tiiiiime'....OH NO! Did I just hum that out loud?" or "I would rather be looking up mental illnesses I have in the DSM."

And when I do think about kissing while I'm actually kissing it mostly goes like this "OMG! Seriously! Are we not done this yet?! You want to keep doing it?? Really? You are going to make my lips chappy. Then who's going to kiss me? You. You will. I will make you, because it's your fault that I now have chappy lips."

And what if your lips are opposite sizes? I worry about this a lot, because I have abnormally large lips. They aren't 'pouty' or 'full' they are 'giant'. I can't wear lip gloss because I look like a clown. If my lips wore jeans they would definitely be wearing plus sizes. If someone punched me in the mouth they wouldn't call the resulting swell "fat lip" they would call it "morbidly obese lip"

So chances are when I kiss people who do not also have 'giant' lips, feel like they are drowning when I kiss them. Wicked.

Anyway, now that I've written that all down I can clearly see why I do not have a boyfriend.

And I'll be honest, I'm 90-100% sure I'm a bad kisser. I suppose if I really wanted to know I could ask someone I've kissed. But they'll probably say "Duh-doy! Obviously you're a good kisser. Nobody kisses like you do, my friend. You are one of a kind. I absolutely do not hate it at all, in the least, even a little bit.."

#Sober January - The Conclusion

I just wanna say thank you to everyone who supported me through sober January.

I'm aware there are 2 more days in sober January, but it's Monday and Tuesday. I'm pretty much done.

Let me tell you some of the things I've done instead of getting sloshed all month:

- went through withdrawal....haaaaaaaaaaa kidding.
- painted pottery
- showed up to church...not hungover
- got a gym membership
- worked out....twice
- only lost fat on my boobs when I worked out
- talked about working out more
- finished all my homework on time
- went out dancing [not as much fun sober, I'll be honest]
- went out for wings.....and iced tea
- dealt with my grief
- watched a buttload of movies
- watched another buttload of documentaries...and learned lots!
- bought myself the converse shoes I've been wanting for EVER
- bought myself a lot of things I can't afford actually...
- Just kidding. I can afford the things I bought!
- mostly..
- started using the term 'ghetto fabulous'
- learned about babies and pregnancy
- went on dates with hot guys...who turned out to be hot dad's with a touch of crazy
- discovered new delicious [non-alcoholic] drinks!
- showed up to class on time every day one week! [Almost, I was like 2 minutes late one day....but I don't think I've been on time every day since first year. I'm getting there!]
- posted on my nursey blog [don't click that link if you have man parts, I'm warning you...]
- ate a lot of McDonald's.....more than one should ever consume in a month....
- was stalked by my ex-boyfriend's best friend
- shot a bow and arrow
- drank a lot of tea
- went bowling
- ate Zeller's lunch
- watched the entire first season of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
- cuddled babies
- finished a crossword with my laaaaaaaaadies [literally the first time I have ever finished a crossword]
- ate healthy! When I wasn't eating McDonald's....
- skyped with my Mom
- met a guy who looks like Steve Aoki
- organized my entire semester
- went for Chinese breakfast with my fam!
- had lunches with my Sister Wife
- saw some of my bestest best friends!
- had my faith in medicine reinstated
- worked....kinda

Other than all that.....I just sat at home and didn't have a life. I know. I'm super exciting.

And it actually took me like a hundred million hours to come up with that list.

Moral of the story - Alcohol in moderation makes for a good life. 

#Never good enough

I hate how easy it is for me to feel inadequate.

I hate that I can lay in bed and cry for hours over something that meant nothing  obviously a little bit  a ginormous amount  nothing to me.

Not because I'm sad about it,

But because I feel like I'm not good enough.

Because I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I spend my days comparing myself to the people around me, and knowing I won't ever be the smartest, or funniest, or prettiest, or skinniest, or the most talented, or the most politically aware, or the sweetest, or nicest, or cutest, or bravest, or gentlest, or the most committed, or the most accomplished.

Not the most anything, just somewhere in the middle, all the time.

It sucks to know you'll always be second best.

And it sucks even more feeling completely worthless.

I shouldn't depend on other people for validation.

And I shouldn't let things other people do affect my self image this much.

But I do. 

And at this point I'm just ready to give up.