And most people who know me know that I'm not a very serious person.
And a lot of people who don't know me have witnessed me in embarrassing situations.
Most times when embarrassing things happen I just laugh it off and keep living my life. But there are the special few times I just want the earth to open it's big mouth and munch me right up. All the way down to the equator. And it's stinkin' hot down there!
I'm not talking about those every day embarrassing things, like calling your teacher "mom", or tripping and falling, or accidentally letting your deep man laugh come out in public. Although those things do happen to me often. I'm talking the down and dirty super wickedly embarrassing things. Things you want to lock up into a box in a safe in a closet in Atlantis never to be seen again.
But! Because I love all 5 of you who read my blog I thought I would share with you some of the most embarrassing things that have happened to me. So I'm making a top ten! Feel free to laugh at my expense. I'm already over it!
(One of those times was earlier this week, I was completely mortified. In the moment I thought it was the most embarrassing thing ever, but after careful consideration I ranked it number 7)
10. One time in junior high everyone was really quiet because we were supposed to be meditating or something in gym. Then the girl beside me farted really loudly. And I mean REALLY loudly. And everyone laughed. BUT everyone thought it was me. So then everyone teased me for like a week (this is number 10 because it technically wasn't even me! But I did take the blame for it....sigh. It's because I was a fat kid and everyone just assumes the fat kid is the one who farts.)
9. One time I ran up to some guy in the hall at university and yelled "Oh my gosh! Mark! How are you?! How was your summer?? Did you watch Big Brother at all?!" and this guy looked super uncomfortable. Then he said "My name is Joel and Big Brother is stupid." then walked away. This would have been less embarrassing if it was not in a crowded hallway and if I had realized AT ANY POINT BEFORE BEING TOLD that it was not my friend Mark.
8. One time I was out on a date and thought it would be cute of I wore heels. Don't ask me why. I had worn heels probably twice before that in my entire life. And I should know better than to try and impress a guy on the first date, because then you have expectations to live up to. Anyway as we were walking out of the movie theatre I wobbled a little bit. Sensing danger in my near future I PUSHED my date down before me so that I had somewhere nice to fall when I eventually did. Great first impression Rye, you're a real winner.
7. One time I was on the train and was watching the guy beside me play Pokemon blue on his gameboy. Then I fell asleep leaning against the window. Then I woke up leaning against his shoulder. And when I lifted my head quickly (because apparently if you lift your head fast enough the person you were sleeping on won't realize what you just did....) I saw a wet spot. From where I had been drooling. Sorry guy.
6. One time a boy in my class made fun of me because I pooped my pants. But it wasn't really poop it was my period that had gotten on my pants. However when you are 13 that is probably worse than people thinking you pooped your pants, so I just told people I sat on something.
5. One time I sneezed really hard in class and didn't realize I had a giant booger on my boob until the next period. Everyone else did, but nobody had the courtesy to tell me. I walked around for almost a full 2 hours with boogey boobs.
4. One time I was getting my hair cut by my mom's friend, who does hair out of her basement. Because she's always the one who cuts it. So anyway, I got there early so there was a lady who was still getting her hair done. And she had a little girl. Now if you know me, you know I love kids, so what did I do? I started playing with this adorable little girl. We went just outside the salon part of the basement and started chasing each other around. And I caught my foot on my other foot and biffed it. I'm talking flat out sprawled on the ground bruised knees kind of fall. Embarrassing right? Not quite.
After that I decided no more running around, because I am a safety hazard. I'm like fire, children should not be allowed to play with me. And I just stood around until it was my turn to get my hairs snipped. When I sat down I felt the cool leather on my left butt cheek. You're kidding me right?! I ripped my pants?!?! Yep. When I stood up and looked in the mirror I did indeed rip my pants. And I had to go to class after that. Sweet. Ripped pants and school. Obviously I didn't want people peeping at my bum so I tied my sweater around my waist and walked around like an athletic hiker or a girl from the 90's for the rest of the afternoon. This would probably have been #1 if anyone but me noticed. Believe me it was embarrassing though!
3. One time I got super drunk at a costume party and threw up on a cowboy. Then I shuffled my feet behind him as he ran away from me. And I was whining "Why are you walking so fast??" And my mom heard me. Because she had come to pick me and my friend up from that party. Then I had to tell my mom I threw up on a cowboy. This was mostly embarrassing when I was throwing up on the cowboy. Have you ever puked on someone? Try it. You'll be mortified. It's almost like pooping in someone else's bed.
2. One time I tried to hold in a sneeze in class but farted instead. But only the person beside me heard and he looked over at me disgusted. But I just responded with a really aggressive "WHAT?!" and we never spoke of it again. Again, not number 1 because he was the only one who heard it.
1. Okay guys, this is super embarrassing. I can't even believe I'm reliving this. Actually, I'm really over it and when I think about it I laugh. But seriously. This is a true story.
One time, in high school, I spotted a group of my friends. And I ran up to them super excited to see them! I went to give my one friend a hug (friend - easily 6'3", well over 200 pounds, workout machine. Rye - 5'2" 120 pounds, tiny.) and he squeezed me. And squeezed me. He squeezed the crap out of me. Literally. Okay, well not completely literally. I didn't poop my pants, but I did fart SUPER loudly. Like louder than that girl did in number 10. And I was in a group of people I knew. And everyone laughed. And people still laugh. And you are probably laughing right now thinking about my blushing red face and my high pitched valley girl voice trying to deny that I just let one rip. And we're not even going to talk about the resulting smell.
There. So sometimes my life is not super serious. It is just stupid. I hope you love me a little bit more now.
I always love you a little bit more! every day.
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