#What I Remember

It broke my heart to leave you tonight.

And I cried the whole way home.

And I looked back on the last 15 years of my life, and do you know what I remembered?

I remembered the first time I met you. I was super nervous and the first thing I said was "hibye" and you said "do I have to leave already?" then I laughed and you laughed and you called me "smarty pants" and I thought that was even sillier. Because smarties dont wear pants. they're chocolate.

I remembered walking through fish creek. You teaching me how to put out my finger and be still enough for a bird to land on it. Then one did and I didnt like it so I screamed and it flew away. And you kept your bird on your finger, in a peaceful moment.

I remembered driving home from banff. And you were doing a chipmunk voice and I was laughing soooo hard. And you were laughing at me laughing. And every time you did it you said "this is the last time..." and I said "okay.." and you did it and I would laugh and I would yell "again!" and you would say "okay, but this is the last time..." 

I remembered midlawn close. Telling you a joke and walking backwards. Tripping over the fan. And you immediately stopped what you were doing to make sure I was okay. But I was too busy laughing to notice. Then you laughed. And we laughed together.

I remembered standing behind you while you worked on autocad on the computer and telling you about my day. Blabbering on like little girls do. And you showing me what you were doing and I wasn't really listening because that was grownup stuff and it was boring. But at least I pretended to be interested!

I remembered learning to drive standard. You taking me down to fish creek and making me come to a full stop. And when I would stall there would be no annoyance or anger in your voice. Just a calm "That's okay baby, just start it up and try again"

I remembered coming home. And walking up to the door and hearing you yell "RIAH! RIAH! RIAH!!!! RIAH'S HOME!!!!!!!" and me rolling my eyes. "Oh, dad"

I remembered the I love you's the Baby, I'm so proud of you's the That's my girl's. The hugs, the kisses, the cuddles. Calling you when I was hurt at school. Cheering me on no matter what I was doing. Joking that we were going to dance to metallica at my wedding and making mom mad. Calling me out on things I shouldn't have been doing. You assuring me that you would never leave.

I remembered that if I want something I have to fight for it with everything I have. And I promise when I remember you it will be like this. Not you in a hospital bed, but you being my dad and giving me a real chance at life.

I love you so much. It was the little things that made you a dad. MY dad. I know you can't read this but I need to say it. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, no matter what thought is crossing my mind it's because of you. Because of your influence on my life. Because you made me who I am. And I am so proud to call myself your girl.

I've been really good up until this point. My blog is open for anyone to read. I KNOW there are underage readers, and people with beliefs that are going to reprimand me later for this. But this is my blog and sometimes you just have to do it.

I fucking hate cancer.