I haven't been coping in the healthiest ways. I'll be honest I really haven't been coping at all. Just compartmentalizing it into a little corner of my brain so I don't have to think about it. Until I accidentally do. Then it sucks.
I'm feeling so much guilt and anger. I don't know how to deal with it.
And I can't decide if I'm thankful for the last year or not. I can see so much good that came from it. School was pretty laid back the first semester and so I got to spend a lot of time at home. And you were obviously home for other reasons. We spent a lot of mornings talking. Laughing. Teasing. I miss it so much.
I can't sit at that table anymore. Where we would have our time. Where you would make me laugh, or show me fishing things on your computer. Where you would look over at me and say things like You are so beautiful, or I'm so proud of you, or I love you so much. Just because. Where we would talk about the house you were going to build me. Where we would eat lunch together. Where we bonded together.
I feel like I can't go home anymore. I go there to sleep. I get up first thing in the morning. I don't come home before 11 because I want to be able to pass out as soon as I get there. I can't be there because I see you everywhere. I feel you everywhere. It was your home.
And I feel so much guilt for taking that away from you. For taking your home from you. I was the one who was supposed to drive you back to the hospital the last time you came home. We thought you were going to be coming back in two days. 5 o clock I was told to get you to the hospital by. And so I told you at quarter after four that we should get ready to go. And you looked so sad. I told you that you would be back in two days for good. And you complained that you should just stay home then. 5 o clock rolled around and we still hadn't left. I was pushing you to get ready because you were already supposed to be at the hospital. Your eyes were still darkened with sadness. And we left. Thinking you would be back in 2 days. You didn't talk to me all the way up to the hospital. Just stared ahead. And I often wonder if it would have made a difference if I had just given you a couple more hours at home. I hate that I was the one who took you away from it.
Rye,
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to feel guilty about. It is not your fault. Dad knew he had to go back, he just hated going. An extra couple of hours would not have made a difference.
Daddy knew you loved him. He KNOWS you love him.
Don't you dare feel guilty! You didn't take him away from his home, you kept home with him as you stayed by his side. If I was him as an angel I'd be looking for a spirit megaphone to tell you that it's NOT your fault!!! And to not let such a thought be a burden for one second to someone who was so good to him. You don't deserve it.. not even close.
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